Wipe Your Butt With Moby Dick Typed on Toilet Paper, for $400

Today in inspired feats of profound boredom: eBay user The_Heppcat claims he typed the entirety of Moby Dick on four rolls of single-ply toilet paper to win a bet. (Or for the most labor-intensive "Dick up your butt" punchline in human history.)

After ten years of sitting in a box in The_Heppcat's possession, the rolls are now up for auction. Bidding starts at $399.95. As of press time there were no bids.

To prove the authenticity of his Dick rolls, The_Heppcat's eBay listing includes several videos of the rolls slowly unraveling, set to a hypnotic audio recording of the classic Herman Melville novel.

Our attempts to contact The_Heppcat have so far failed. If you or a loved one know this peculiar, apparently Floridian gentleman, give me a ring at maureen@gawker.com. [eBay via Vol1Brooklyn]