There is a wonderfully gonzo profile of Saturday Night Live airhead turned shrieking harpy conservative Victoria Jackson in the Miami New Times. It's dated for tomorrow, so let's glimpse into the future and look at all the completely insane quotes that Victoria has to give.
- "My neck got cracked once. I mean, doing 200 situps is not fun."
- "[My father] said I was 'genetically inferior.' I think it made me nuts. That's probably where my eating disorders came from."
- "I'd like to be Julie Andrews on the top of a mountain singing with my children in matching outfits with a ukulele."
- "Some people thought I was a genius. Some people thought I was retarded."
- "[Weed] made me very creative, horny, and paranoid."
- "Maybe I'm overcompensating, because everybody here [at SNL] is dying and going to Hell, and I'm supposed to tell them about Jesus."
- "I kind of had a crush on Weird Al Yankovic. We kind of went on a date, but I don't know if he loved me or not."
- "If you get killed because you're gay, the murderer gets extra time. It's hilarious! Alcoholism is a sin too, but you don't see an alcoholic pride parade. Alcoholics hide in little rooms in basements and they go, 'Hi, I'm Fred.'"
- "It's OK to be a liberal and be fat. You've got Oprah, Rosie, you've got Joy Behar, you've got Whoopi, you've got the other ones on The View. [Or] if you're black, you're allowed to be fat, and that's sassy, sexy. But if you're white, you're not really allowed to be fat."
- "The Ten Commandments have been kicked out of schools. We're killing 37 hundred-something-thousand babies a day... I don't know, 37 hundred a day or something like that. A million a day, I don't know. I'm not good with numbers. We're killing lots of babies every day. It's infanticide. Its genocide. We are... How can God bless our country, seriously?"
- "I would run for office. I mean, especially since I'm getting old. I don't really want to be in front of the camera, but I kind of like to be around people."
- "[Oprah] brainwashed an entire country of housewives into the new-age movement - the oldest false religion in the world."
Man, those are all nuts, but nothing is as good as this bit of dialog with her equally nutso father.
The conversation swerves to Obama's chances for re-election. "I think he has a good chance," Victoria says, "because the Latins will vote for him. The illegal aliens will vote for him."
"Illegals can't vote!" her dad interrupts. "How can they?"
Victoria is stumped. "Because... because of cheating."
As Victoria gets up to leave, father and daughter continue the list of who will vote for Obama: The liberals. The gays. The Muslims.
Says Jim: "Those who were aborted would if they were alive."
[Image via AP]