How to Tell Whether You're Being Hugged or Stabbed

To the Windy City, where a man's painful dilemma may redeem itself by serving as a teaching experience for us all. The Chicago Tribune reports the harrowing nightmare of friendship gone awry: "A 24-year-old man is hospitalized after being stabbed outside of a Wrigleyville dance bar early this morning by a man who seemingly was about to give the victim a hug."

We all know well that it's impossible to avoid being stabbed while hugged—particularly if you frequent "dance bars." The important thing is to be able to immediately distinguish which is occurring, so that you may pursue the correct course of action afterwards. Memorize this guide, for when the inevitable happens.

HUG
What it feels like: The soft, soothing embrace of Jesus.
What's that warm feeling?: Love.
Who does it?: Friends
What do you do next?: Fuck.

STAB
What it feels like: The cold, stabby stab of Satan's penis.
What's that warm feeling?: Blood.
Who does it?: Enemies.
What do you do next?: Gasp sharply; bug eyes out; gaze down slowly at your bleeding wound; feel the force of life ebbing from your veins; with your last ounce of strength, seize your attacker by the neck; against all expectations, find the resolve within you to sink your fingers deeper and deeper into his neck, feeling his jugular vein pulsing against your fingertips, a literal death grip like none ever seen by the knife fiend before; squeeze your attacker like a madman, staring into his eyes as he struggles to breathe; mutter to him, "If I die, you die, you bastard;" die simultaneously. Then fuck.

Hugs not drugs!

[Photo: Shutterstock]