Dogs Need to Shut Up About CatsS

It's like hey, dogs, we get it. You hate cats. Fine. We heard you the first time and the second time and the one millionth time, with the barking. Maybe you should bark at a cat again? No, you should shut up!

It's like, yeah, cats can be annoying. We know. They shed all over the place. They act cold. (Unless you're giving them food.) They don't look enthusiastic to see us, like dogs do. We're on your side, dogs. We like you guys. You never claw up the couch, or our arms. You always sit next to us, when the stupid cat runs away. We're not arguing with you on the merits of cats here. We're on the same page. But the whining has to stop.

It's like, what does barking at the same cat every single day accomplish? We take you on a walk. You see a cat. You bark your head off at the cat. The cat runs away. Repeat. Are we missing something here? Is the cat going to change somehow because you bark and bark at it, every day? No, the cat is going to run away, up on the roof or whatever, and tomorrow the cat will be back, and it will be exactly the same. Nothing changes. All you do is give us a headache.

It's like, haven't you ever heard the Serenity Prayer? Change the things you can, and accept the things you cannot change. Let me give you dogs a clue about one thing you cannot change: it starts with a "C" and ends with an "S" and it has "AT" in the middle. Cats are going to be cats. If cats suck, let that be the cats' problem. Besides, you guys don't even speak the same language! You're all "You stupid cat, I hate you," and all the cat hears is "woof woof woof." You might as well be Charlie Brown's teacher out there. It's not only tedious—it's embarrassing.

It's like, we love you guys. But seeing you go crazy over some furball every day is seriously putting a cramp in our relationship. You know how to sit. You know how to fetch. Now learn how to shut up.

[With apologies to Brian Moylan. Photo: Tony/ Flickr]