Your Depressing Life, As Described by Yahoo!'s Most Popular HeadlinesS

The internet portal with the most embarrassing name, Yahoo!, has launched a web app for visualizing its most popular headlines for various reader demographics. A recent survey of Yahoo's most popular stories for various age groups turned into a chilling tableau of American anxieties at every juncture of life.

Click any image to enlarge the demographic breakdown.

Your Depressing Life, As Described by Yahoo!'s Most Popular HeadlinesS

Age 18-24: You cannot get a date to save your life, and even when you do, you totally blow it, because you just don't know how to talk to girls.

Wait— what's this you see on popular web portal Yahoo.com?— How to tell what your date is really thinking: Microexpressions. You vow to study the art of microexpressions. This will fix everything.

Your Depressing Life, As Described by Yahoo!'s Most Popular HeadlinesS

Age 25-34: With the art of microexpressions, you snag a significant other. Unfortunately, she has boatloads of debt and a negative credit ranking.

Wait— what's this you see on slutty internet gatekeeper Yahoo.com?— How to tell if you're financially compatible: It bodes well for couples if they can talk about money. You vow to talk about money. This will fix everything.

Your Depressing Life, As Described by Yahoo!'s Most Popular HeadlinesS

Age 35-44: Your married that broke-ass (but suitably talkative) lady. Now you are up to your ears in debt, raising 2.5 diabetic children and juggling two jobs just to keep up with the mortgage.

Wait— what's this you see on dilapidated information-highway on-ramp Yahoo.com?— Abandoning your mortgage: What happens. You vow to abandon your mortgage. This will fix everything.

Your Depressing Life, As Described by Yahoo!'s Most Popular HeadlinesS

Age 45-54: Now that you have abandoned your mortgage, you and your family of ragamuffin teenagers live in a corrugated steel lean-to at the end of an abandoned road in a depressing-but-cheap city. (The junkyards of Frackville, Pennsylvania are beautifully pungent this time of year.) Over a softly wafting pipe of crack, you imagine the life you could have had. You gaze at the road. A car drives by. There is a man in the car. He is holding a cellphone. Sir, what's that colorful thing you are reading on that screen?

"Hello, you homeless scamp. I was just reading malignant cyber life-destroyer Yahoo.com. Top story for your age demographic: Man's $400 Million Mistake."

Your Depressing Life, As Described by Yahoo!'s Most Popular HeadlinesS

Age 55+: With a tire iron, you murdered the man in that car, then stole his identity and took over his life. After successfully acquiring his social security number by waterboarding his loved ones for months on end, you are now ready to crack open his 401k and live the good life.

But wait— what's this you see on infuriating internet hellhole Yahoo.com?— Mistakes that can wreck your retirement. You will never be free.

[Image via Ioannis Pantzi, Shutterstock]