Sorry, But Babies Are Ugly

We're all adults here. It's time that we practiced a bit of brutal honesty. This is something that we—as a friend—feel that you should really know. Your baby is ugly.

What do bald and misshapen heads, shriveled fingers and toes, reddened cheeks, and snot-streaked faces all have in common? They're characteristics of ugliness. They're also characteristics of babies. Go take Logic 101, my friend. If A=B and A=C then B=C, too. Or something like that.

It means that your baby is ugly.

Oh, you probably don't think so. You probably think that your baby is "cute." Sure. Do you think a worm is cute? No. Your baby basically looks like a worm with a face and a couple legs. It's fairly hideous. I'm sure that your baby could very well grow up to be a cute child, or even a cute adult. But right now it is just a shriveled, crying, drooling, bald mess. If you saw a homeless man exhibiting the exact same physical traits as your baby, you would cross the street in disgust. Your hormones have you fooled. We're giving you the hard truth here.

What are you going to do, widely distribute this post on all of your parenting message boards and newsletters and "social media" sites until countless thousands of readers flood into its comment section, inflating our readership statistics with their outpouring of rage? Go ahead, do your worst. We can take it. Your baby is ugly. Your baby? Your baby.

Your ugly baby.

[Photo: Tricia/ Flickr]