Today news broke that there is a team working on bringing Back to the Future to the Broadway stage. That is an awful idea. There are so many better movies that they could transfer.
Since Broadway is obsessed with bringing movies to the Great White Way, we thought we'd help them out with some suggestions. Back to the Future is a bad choice because, well, the time travel thing will suck on stage and you know it will just be a juke box musical full of songs from the '60s. Broadway already pilfered an '80s movie doing '60s-style songs with Hairspray and Jersey Boys just refuses to die, so we don't need another musical exploiting the era.
Otherwise, here are the movies I really want to see on the stage.
Highlights: The giant water fight scene, a miniature golf number, the Goldie Hawn character cussing out the teacher, putting a yacht on stage.
Difficulties: You're going to have to do something with those three awful children.
Sample Song Title: "I'm a Short, Fat Slut"
Adventures in Babysitting
Highlights: "And Then He Kissed Me" in front of the mirror at the beginning, dangling from the skyscraper at the end, a giant station wagon on stage, and a whole production number in the blues bar.
Difficulties: Again, annoying kids.
Sample Song Title: "Nobody Leaves This Place without Singing the Blues"
Highlights: A hot guy to play an oft-shirtless pizzaboy/male prostitute, a different song for every one of his clients, and a patter song about how his parents think he must be gay.
Difficulties: Trying to make male prostitution into a feel-good sentiment might be difficult, but not impossible, as this movie proved.
Sample Song Title: "Extra Anchovies"
Highlights: The Inigo Montoya sword fighting tap number, Wesley being tortured in a giant tree, storming the castle, fire shooting out of the stage in the crazy swamp. Just about everything, really.
Difficulties: This has been tried before and they couldn't get it together, so there must be a reason. It might have something to do with all the traveling necessary for the plot to work. But if they made Shrek: The Musical
Sample Song Title: "Have Fun Storming the Castle"
Highlights: This is a classic musical plot with a young underdog transformed by mistaken identity to come out on top. There's a great villain, a love story, and a colorful sidekick. Throw in Staten Island costumes, a few dresses with huge shoulder pads, and you have a hit. Know what? This is actually a really good fucking idea.
Difficulties: With an already long running time, after adding songs, it could become unwieldy.
Sample Song Title: "I Have a Mind for Business, and a Bod for Sin"
Coming to America
Highlights: An opening number at the African palace, a group number at McDowells, stunt casting Arsenio Hall to play the king.
Difficulties: Most of this takes place in shabby settings and no one wants to see that.
Sample Song Title: "Meet the Soul Glo Family"
Highlights: The plot is classic Broadway with a love story and a silly curse to bring a princess to life. The giant department store set would be great, so would a kickline of mannequins coming alive. Also: Hollywood!
Difficulties: There are only three main characters, so that's tough. Also, you can't do a montage on stage, so that would suck.
Sample Song Title: "Hooray for Hollywood"
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead
Highlights: The fashion show that closes the night complete with an ice cream truck. Also the great villain and her henchman doing an evil number, and Rose doing a "Think Pink!" style song about uniforms. "The dishes are done, man."
Difficulties: Again, annoying kids. Oh, and this was made in 1991, so it's not even really an '80s movie.
Sample Song Title: "I'm Right on Top of That Rose"
Those are my suggestions, what do you guys want to see? Let us know in the comments (complete with song suggestions).