It has finally happened, Snooki's body is rebelling against her. Yes, the greatest sociological experiment of our time took a turn for the biological and now Snooki is voiding her bowels wherever she possibly can.

But before we can get to Snooki's UTI and the havok it created in our little glass cage full of guidos, we must look at their language so we know what the hell they're talking about.

  • Shore Shower: Spraying one's body and private areas with perfume to cover up a certain odor, usually that of leaky bodily fluids. It is essentially a "whore's bath" in all the important ways.
  • Electrocuted: When the "electronics" in the wall react poorly to seven hair dryers, nine curling irons, and one electric body hair trimmer are plugged into two sockets in the same bathroom. According to the guidos this is similar to being tazed, because that is the only other instance they know which electricity is used: hair and arrest.
  • Star 69: To go back and find out who started a rumor or who made a certain comment previously. This is very important because in the guido subculture, gossip runs rampant. Also, they don't use mobile phones, so they're still using the argot of 1995, when land lines were still necessary.

Now we must address Snooki and her wee-wee problems. It started at the club when she danced so hard that she actually wet herself. This is not the first time that a guido has been known to lose control of his bodily functions on the dance floor from beating up the beat, so it wasn't so crazy. However, the next day, when she continued to pee frequently and it stung, she self-diagnosed herself with a UTI because, apparently, she used to be a veterinarian's assistant and she knows these things. Yes, the guidos so closely equate themselves with animals that they no longer go to regular physicians and instead clutter up the waiting rooms of veterinarians.


Snooki's medication, of course, is tequila. The rationale is that, just as you put alcohol on the skin before a shot to disinfect it, that will happen inside the body by drinking excessive amounts of tequila. Also it numbs the pain from the infection, so it not only removes the cause, but the symptoms. Of course this would be wrong for any human but I do believe that, due to the guido's mutated physiognomy, that tequila can cure a UTI. You never see Snooki go to the doctor, she just medicates and medicates and medicates until her bladder is so full that she lets it out on the porch.

Some of you might think this is disgusting, but, as we have seen repeatedly, the bathroom is the most sacred room in the guido household and to put something that is impure and full of nasty bacteria into the toilet would be to anger the household god, The Duck Phone. That is why Snooki pees on the porch.


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Speaking of bodies in revolt (or bodies and revolting) The Situation had all sorts of problems last night, including his penis popping out of his shorts. The funny thing about The Situation is that, well, he's not even making sense anymore. Sure, when he was walking around with his dick all out, he was drunker than seven skunks drinking Snooki's tequila-based pee substance, but still, he was making no sense.

He's saying that people are leaving him out, treating him badly, and suspecting him of plotting something, even though he's been being nice to them. He's been being nice to them for like three days after several years of being an asshole. They guidos know that he's not going to change so quickly, so of course they're suspicious. The Situation is such a narcissist that he believes that any small alteration to his behavior patters should have a drastic effect on how he is perceived. He is wrong.

I'm not even sure that I understand the basis of his argument last night (like many, I was distracted from what he was saying by his penis) but I think it goes something like this: he doesn't feel liked or included by the group, especially the boys. This is after he said he wanted to be the villain and he takes every opportunity to leave the group to go hang out on his own. How are they supposed to make him feel? He asks Snooki about it, and she says he has to talk to the boys. He intuits that to mean Snooki knows something he doesn't. She does not, she is just a rational person who knows to go to the source of the problem. The boys, so wrapped up in the rules of Guy Code that they would never tell another guy their problems with him to their face, just stay mum and say, "We have no problem with you." Sitch says he believes them, but he doesn't, because, for such an asshole, he is rather perceptive.

While the problem lies in the guido males inability to communicate anything other than joy of getting laid and the prowling for sexual congress. The guys won't be honest. Somehow, by the end of last night's dispatch, Sitch has turned this back around on Snooki. Since the guys aren't the problem, then she must be trying to play a trick on him. Only The Situation would think in such warped logic, because he perceives everyone's actions as directly related to him.

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There has been an important development in Snooki's transformation into some sort of strange rodent totem. Yes, she put the Bunny Suit on once again last night. While I thought it was initially so that she could take on an animal persona and, therefore, be closer to her household god, The Duck Phone, it seems to be serving two very different purposes.

In art and literature the bunny is often a symbol of fertility and sexuality, because it has many children and is always known to be having sex to reproduce. Snooki, who sees herself as an animal that should be treated by a vet, has decided that, if she were an animal, she would be a rabbit. This most likely has something to do with a rabbit's unfettered libido. We can see this in the way she uses the bunny costume on her male roommates: frightening them either to get them in bed or while they are already in bed. It's like her sexuality is completely unchecked, but also something outside of her, something that needs its own fetish (in the classic definition of the word).

However, we later learn that Snooki sees the Bunny as an English person who knows nothing about the guidos. Perhaps the Bunny Suit is not a stand in for Snooki, but it is a way for her to play the other. When she wears the suit, she can step outside of herself and glimpse the guido culture objectively, just as all of us do, and she finds it frightening, which is why she uses the suit to scare her roommates. While DJ Paulie Deceptacon and Vinny created "guido drag" personae in Italy to mock the posers that adopt their lifestyle without authenticity, Snooki is trying to find a way out of her lifestyle by taking on the observations of the outside world. She wants to be something more, something greater than she is. She wants to be English and conservative, but even thinking that makes her feel like an insane cartoon creature. The Bunny Suit is her coping mechanism for dealing with the cognitive dissonance of both knowing herself and wanting to escape herself at the same time.

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It seems that Snooki's behavior, either by bringing the disease of the UTI into the house or by dressing in her Bunny Suit has, indeed, angered the guido's household god, The Duck Phone. Aside with curtailing and controlling the guido's communications with the outside world, The Duck Phone also has a strange control over other avian creatures. Usually, when the guidos leave Seaside Heights and don't take The Duck Phone with them, he tends to show his wrath by causing other airborne creatures to attack them. It happened with crows in Miami and with pigeons in Florence. Now it appears that he is taking out his anger in Seaside Heights too.

Yes, the guidos are beset by a seagull infestation. JWOWW calls them rats with wings and they swoop down to eat up all the remains that the guidos leave behind. Like the other creatures that The Duck Phone has sent after the clan, they are not easily scared away, and just shouting at them, which would usually cause most birds to scatter, only disrupts them momentarily before they come back to taunt the guidos once again.

In effect, they are trapped in the house, because if they go outside, they will be attacked by a swarm of winged creatures bent on their destruction. Yes, they are stuck in the house to worship and pray, to kneel down before The Duck Phone and ask for forgiveness for their sins. And it will sit there, on its little altar next to the bean bag chair and its eyes will flash red with the fires of devotion and it will let out a call to all of those birds to leave the guidos alone—at least for now. "Quack," it will scream, reverberating throughout the whole town, causing the birds on the boardwalk, resting on wires, and feasting on waste to scatter into the air in one great swarm. "Quack," it will scream. "Quack. Quack."