Super Bowl Recipes for the Already DrunkS

The Super Bowl is approaching fast, and knowing you, you're already drunk and haven't even begun to think about what you're going to make for the party. It's okay — stop crying — no, really — because we've got some fun, fast recipes just for you.

Sliders

Serves like four? Or so?

Ingredients
Ground beef
Cheese
Hamburger buns

Directions
1. Finish your beer.
2. Put "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" on.
3. Take the beef and roll it into small balls using your hands.
4. You know what would be funny? Yell and see if your roommate wants to taste your beef balls.
5. Guess not. Flatten the balls with the heel of your hand.
6. Turn music up.
7. Melt some butter over medium-high heat.
8. Not that much butter. Jesus.
9. Cook sliders until one side looks sort of, I don't know, brown?
10. Flip sliders using spoon you found in sink.
11. Put on "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" again. God, this song is good. Sing along.
12. Oh, shit.
13. Remove charred sliders from pan. Throw away.
11. Cut hamburger buns into quarters with scissors for "slider-sized" buns.
12. Put cheese on buns. Microwave on high for five seconds. Serve immediately.


Seven Layer Dip

Serves like as many as you want, probably.

Ingredients
One can beans
One jar salsa
One carton sour cream
Cheese
Guacamole (instructions below)
Some black olives
What is the seventh layer, again? Jalapeños, or something?

Directions
1. Finish your beer.
2. Open the beans. Dump them all out into, hmm, a bowl. Or onto a tray.
3. But, wait, wouldn't it be cool if you made, like, a bunch of little mugs, of seven-layer dip? You could give them away as party favors.
4. Text one of your work colleagues this idea.
5. No, just go with the bowl.
6. Put the salsa on the beans.
7. Now put the sour cream and the cheese on top of the salsa layer. You should probably shred the cheese? Or at least cut it. Chunks are the same as shreds, I think. You're fine.
8. Go find your roommate. No, don't bother moving, you're cooking.
9. Yell your roommate's name until she comes to find you (2 - 3 minutes).
10. Tell her to make you guacamole. Tell her you need her to make guacamole and you will pay her share of rent if she makes it for you right now.
11. Wait for her to make guacamole (15 - 20 minutes).
12. Her guacamole looks a lot better than your bowl full of salsa and cheese chunks, huh? Maybe you should just bring that to the party.
13. Cover the guacamole in an airtight container and text your work colleague again. Why doesn't he like your dip mugs idea? Serve as soon as possible.


Classic Italian Hoagies

Serves at least one.

Ingredients
Bread
Pack of ham
Pack of... baloney?
Cheese
Lettuce
Onions
Tomatoes
Oil & vinegar

Directions
1. Finish your beer.
2. This one you can do, easy. Find the bread knife.
3. Where the fuck is the bread knife? Maybe you you can cut the bread with a butter knife.
4. A hole. You can make a hole in the bread with a butter knife.
5. Probably you should have gotten good Italian bread instead of seven-grain whole wheat.
6. Put the ham and the baloney in the bread hole.
7. Is there a third meat? There's a third meat. What do they say in The Sopranos? Gabbagool?
8. Put the cheese in the hole, too.
9. Really, do you not know where the bread knife is?
10. Make another hole in the bread.
11. Make a third hole.
12. Put the lettuce in the second hole.
13. Fuck this. Serve by leaving on counter for your roommate to find.


Sizzlin' Buffalo Wings

Ingredients
Google

Directions
1. Hide your half-finished beer.
2. Google "buffalo wings near me."
3. Make your roommate call because you are having difficulty focusing.
4. Go lie down to rest your eyes. Serve wings cold tomorrow while you work off your headache.