Not everyone knows football, and that's okay—even if you're an American. Everyone, though, is perfectly capable of sounding as if they might know a thing or two about football should the need arise. Here's what to yell at your TV and friends in order to sound like you maybe-kinda-sorta know what's going on this Sunday evening.
Pregame Small Talk
- Mention off-handedly how relieved you are that the lockout ended last summer-because "no matter what happens, this is going to be quite a game." Hold your glass high and say, "To the gridiron."
- Mention the 2008 Super Bowl and something about "Tyree" and a "helmet catch." This will be a tricky one to pull off, and is probably best achieved with mumbling and a face-palm, as in: "Mmmbumbammm 2008 mmba Tyree and THAT HELMET CATCH!" (Face-palm. Exit left for more onion dip.)
- During a lull, say something casual like, "I'm just really pulling for my Pats/G-Men tonight." Smile broadly and hold it for 43 seconds or until someone asks if you are all right.
- Ask for someone to pass the onion dip, because how many times a year do you get to eat onion dip? Actually, say this: "How many times a year do you get to eat onion dip, you know?!?"
- Say something mean about "Joe Buck," just because you can. (For example: "More like Joe Buck teeth!") If you are pressed for an explanation, just say, "Oh, like you don't already know!" Laugh a lot.
- Offer everyone a shot of tequila by explaining, "YO SOY FIESTA." Give them a knowing wink. Definitely keep drinking the tequila.
During the Game
- Any time you see a referee toss a yellow flag in the air, yell either "Offsides!" or "False start!" If you are able to figure out if your call was correct, look around the room, nod aggressively, and say, "Called it. I called it."
- Any time the quarterback (the guy who throws the ball) gets the ball, yell "BLITZ!" For effect, grab the shoulders of the person you're sitting closest to and shake them aggressively.
- If anyone at the party mentions the New York Jets at any point, laugh, roll your eyes, and say, "The fuckin' Jets." (Ed. Note: This will also work if anyone mentions the New York Mets, as in: "The fuckin' Mets." If you weren't able to hear which team the person mentioned, say it like, "The fuckin' Jets?")
- If you are pretending to root for the Giants—that's the team that will be wearing white on Sunday—make a loving joke about quarterback Eli Manning's boyish face. If you are pretending to root for the Patriots (wearing blue), make a mean joke about how Eli Manning looks like a petulant 12-year-old.
- If someone who knows something about football says something that sounds smart, nod gravely and chime in: "It is what it is."
- Make sure you compliment whoever brought the onion dip.
- Make a joke about A-Rod eating popcorn. Imply that he can't do it by himself. Look for a high-five.
- Madonna will be on soon. Make a joke about A-Rod and Madonna dating. High-five yourself.
- "MORE ONION DIP, PLEASE."
- Madonna is on. Sit quietly and tweet something witty about the performance immediately or your life will be a meaningless waste of time and no longer worth living.
After the Game
- You made it out alive. Take the onion dip and run.