If you're anything like me, you will do absolutely anything to avoid the Stupid Bowl. With a deep-seated loathing for everything that happens on the gridiron (that doesn't involve Madonna or Janet Jackson's nipple) I always thought it was the worst day of the year. Boy was I wrong.
The great thing about the Super Bowl is that 100 million heathens are placed on their fat asses on their couches with a beer in one hand, the remote in the other, tortilla chip crumbs all over their shirt, and a stain from some taco dip on their upper lip. Yes, everyone I hate is watching the Stupid Bowl, that means it's my time to play. Here are some of my favorite activities during the big game.
In New York City, everything is as competitive as two lines of grown men hopped up on pain killers fighting over a little pigskin handbag and going first down on each other. That includes the movies where you have to show up 30 minutes early just to get a seat and you have to buy tickets sometimes days in advance. Not on Stupid Bowl Sunday. You'll be the only one in the theater. Show up when you want and don't give Fangango that extra $1.50 to buy your tickets online. Crunch that popcorn and talk as much as you'd like, today the multiplex is basically your living room.
You know that restaurant that you're always trying to get into but there is a two hour wait for a table? Not tonight. You'll be only one in there. Find someone else who hates the Giants just as much as you do, and waltz right in. There's no staring at oneof those silly buzzing beepers waiting endlessly for it to summon you to your table. There isn't even any one else to bump up against you or take the waitress' attention. Order two of everything.
There is nothing worse than some bitch with a gunt in her too-tight yoga pants telling you that you've gone over your 30 minutes on the elliptical machine or some muscle-bound jerk in a tank top trying to "work in" to your set. They won't be at the gym during Stupid Bowl Sunday. That's why you should go exercise while the rest of the country is getting fat on buffalo wings and ranch dressing. You can use every damn machine in the whole place and there isn't anyone there to complain. The downside is you'll be all alone in the steam room, but, hey, that can be cool too.
Normally the theater isn't really a viable option because all the show queens already know that Stupid Bowl Sunday is the time to get some cheap January-priced Broadway tickets. Well, this year there is a Nationally Televised Madonna Concert happening on Sunday too (I hear something about their playing some sport game before and after it too?) so you'll be front row center with no one to unwrap a candy during the 11-o'clock number. Heaven!
Television executives finally got hip that not everyone is watching the Super Bowl and they're working hard to get all the audience members they can. While there are new episodes of Downton Abbey (the only person I'm rooting for on Sunday is Lady Edith) and HBO's Luck there is a Jersey Shore marathon on MTV, an America's Next Top Model marathon on Oxygen, an Ab Fab marathon on BBC America, a Sex and the City marathon on E!, and a whole bunch of others. It seems that on this secular American holiday you should be stuffing your face in front of the tube, that doesn't mean you need to be watching football when you do it.
If you hate long lines at the dressing rooms or fighting with a million other people for the clerk's attention, than today is your day to hit the stores. I bet you can even talk someone into giving you a discount for engaging in America's second favorite past time—conspicuous consumpiton. Don't even think about hitting the grocery store though. The snack aisle will look just like it did the day after Kirstie Alley was released from her Jenny Craig contract.