Hi Everyone,

I'm Noah Garfinkel, and I'll be doing some writing for Gawker over the next few nights. I've written for the Best Week Ever Blog, Funny Or Die, XOJane and an MTV Television program that you very likely never watched or knew about. I also won an award for writing the best D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) essay in 5th grade. Local Houston, Texas hero and furniture store owner, Mattress Mack, gave me a medal for it.

Enough about me, though. Let's talk about you now. Do you have a Wii? Who is your third favorite Congressman? Do you have any pets, and, if so, do you like to talk about how your pets totally think they are people?

I look forward to dismissing most negative comments as being arbitrarily cranky and then really obsessing over two or three that I find to be painfully accurate.

Take Fiber Pills,