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If the Republican debates are the second greatest televised spectacle about matters that are only slightly abutting reality, then the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion specials are the first. Here is a ranking of how each woman fared in last night's fiasco.
7. Adrienne Maloof: The queen of the Maloofs, a strange race of creatures that lives under the mountain, lands on the bottom this week. Not only did she engage in a little bit of a spat with Brandi about something silly that happened on Twitter (again, Housewives, we do not care about anything that happened on Twitter or Facebook or text message or your blog and arguing about it makes you look like 13yo girls bitching about who beat who at hopscotch and we particularly don't care about Tweets Lisa Tweeters as her dog Giggy). Also, she barely spoke up this episode other than to attack Brandi, which, well, is stupid because Brandi fights with the fiercest weapon of all: the truth.
6. Kim Richards: Oh, our sad addict Kim was not in attendance last night, but like a mean ghost or a Tennessee Williams heroine, she was everyone. They talked about her, they talked about her addiction, they talked about her fight with Brandi. Yes, she was more present than Adrienne, who was actually sitting right there on the couch with her one sail limp without wind. Kim was absolutely looming. Still, Kim was not there to defend herself or answer allegations that she was or was not on crystal meth at game night. She was also not there when Kyle basically said that she made Kim be on the show so that she'd be able to get clean and sober. Poor, Kim. I just want to hug her so close and put our faces next to each other so my tears become her tears and our faces are just dewey with each other's damp. That's what I want more than anything.
5. Taylor Armstrong: Taylor did remarkably well, yet again, telling the world that she was abused by her now dead husband. She did it with as much grace and equanimity as she could muster. Where she went wrong is fighting with Brandi. See the argument above. It started when everyone was discussing Lisa's friendship with Taylor, which they all decided was genuine. Brandi, to attest to this fact said that she said something negative about Taylor and Lisa had her back. Taylor then went on the offense attacking Brandi like she said something wrong, but what she was really doing was defending Lisa and showing that she is a true friend to Taylor. Taylor should be thanking Brandi. She wasn't defending Russell's actions, only explaining to Taylor the negative thing she said. Then Taylor, who is trying to play the wronged wife herself, goes after Brandi for slashing her ex husband's tires. Taylor, don't go after the most relatable character on the show. Oh, and don't attack Brandi for questioning the legitimacy of your book. She just said what everyone at home was thinking.
4. Kyle Richards: Kyle scores major points if only for admitting that she behaved like a mean girl to Brandi at "Game Night of a Thousand Echos." She also came off as caring but stern when she said she didn't enable Kim behind the scenes, something that I think we can all, as viewers, see in their strained relationship. She did, however, talk about how nice she was to Brandi and invited her to parties and whatnot. That's just stupid. Kyle, you were so fucking mean to Brandi. She showed up and you laughed in her face and said mean things to you while she was across the room. Don't be all like, "After the season wrapped, then I was nice to her and she texted me and called me a See You Next Tuesday." We don't care about that, Kyle. But Kyle was just about the same as last week, a combination of winning and combative.
3. Lisa Vanderpump: Lisa didn't get nearly as much air time as last week, but that also means she didn't get attacked nearly as much. She gallantly defended Brandi against Kyle and said that, after seeing "We're Not Playing at Game Night," she apologized to Brandi for taking Kyle's side. She also said that she, unlike the other women, doesn't say things behind people's backs, she says them to their face, which Brandi seconded. Actually, Brandi and Lisa are great allies. Lisa said she sincerely was friends with Brandi and didn't do it as some sick Housewives Tactic in the very public game of Risk they all engage in each season. I don't know why I ranked Lisa so high. Basically, I just like her.
2. Brandi Glanville: The only thing Brandi is guilty of is being trashy. That is it. Brandi is like Raspberry Iced Tea Crystal Light. You don't want to admit that you have it in your fridge, but it is just so damn delicious. And skinny! So fucking skinny. Like I said before about Brandi, the best thing about her is that she fights with the truth. Unlike most of the other Housewives, not only in Bev Hills but all the world over, is that you never quite believe their half-truths, obfuscations, and self-serving accusations. Not Brandi. I believe everything Brandi says because she does not try to hide from it. Say she slashed Eddie Cibrian's tires, she admits it. Call her a slut, she admits it. Say she texted Kyle by accident and called Kyle a C U Newly Trimmed, she admits it. Britney, like a honey badger, does not give a fuck. And most of her actions are totally justified. Who doesn't want to slit their ex's tires or be a slut or say mean things about Kyle Richards? Who? We all do, and that is why we love Brandi, because she fights for truth, freedom, and the American way—which these days is about being pretty, slightly famous, and on television. Sure she engaged in some "Twitter, texting, blogging" stupid fights, but she is new to this whole Housewives thing, and in the future, we think she'll learn. What is really great about Brandi is that she kind of is the villain, the one who is bitchy and doesn't care what anyone thinks, but because her honesty is so refreshing, that actually makes her the hero.
1. Camille Grammer: And on that day, there was born a woman golden of hair and glowing of halo. Her name was St. Camille Grammer, and everyone loved her. Every hag and slattern, every pillar of salt and every fallen woman that she consorted with finally agreed that she was their patron saint. St. Camille, like Job and Mary Magdalene before her, had to suffer many things before she was canonized. She had to suffer a marriage to a mean hairy man who cheated on her and had a small penis. She had to endure the world hating her for being delusional, self-centered, and otherwise totally loony. But she rebounded and Pope Andy III, on that day—with a montage that showed her dancing with joy and sunning with abandon, that showed her finding a new love and developing her friendships—she was named the Patron Saint of All Housewives. We bow before her golden temple and present offerings to her greatness. May you reign forever, St. Camille. May you deliver us from evil.