"What If All the Cats in the World Suddenly Died?" Yahoo News asked today. Intrigued by this mysterious world without cats (What would we put bread on?) I clicked the link and found myself at Life's Little Mysteries, a LiveScience sister site dedicated to answering search-engine optimized questions of childlike wonderment like "Why are there holes in 'Swiss' cheese?" and "Who Will Succeed Kim Jong-Il?" (Trick question. Can't be answered.)
To assist this incurably inquisitive website, I have compiled a list of its littlest and most mysterious questions, and answered them.
- Q: What If All the Cats in the World Suddenly Died?
A: "Let's not forget the emotional toll that a mass cat death would take on us humans," writes Natalie Wolchover.
- Q: Could the Internet Ever Be Destroyed?
A: Only if you keep killing all those cats, Natalie.
- Q: What If You Ate Only One Type of Food?
A: That depends. Is it cat food?
- Q: Will Eating Pet Food Kill Me?
A: "There's no official record."
- Q: What Happens If You Eat Dog Food?
A: "Probably nothing," unless the food is made of cats.
- Q: What If There Were No Gravity?
A: All the cats would float.
- Q: Why Do Cats Bury Their Poop?
A: That's not poop. Those are corpses.
- Q: Can Blind People See Anything?
A: Just the ghosts of cat genocides past, haunting them.
- Q: Why Is Dryer Lint Gray?
A: Wait, you're telling me Natalie Wolchover put a cat in the dryer?
- Q: If You Spot Bigfoot, Should You Shoot Him?
A: What are you, some kind of animal-killing maniac?
- Q: Why Do I Think My Phone Is Vibrating When It's Not?
A: It's your conscience calling, from Cat Hell.
- Q: Why Do Dogs Drool?
- Q: How Safe Are Your Shredded Documents?
A: As safe as a shredded cat.
- Q: Koalas to Humans: 'We Are Not Bears'
A: Koalas to Cats: 'I Will Kill You.' Cats to Koalas: 'Bring It. I Know Tae Kwon Do.'
- Q: What If Humans Were Twice as Intelligent?
A: We would have foreseen the terrible consequences of the Great Cat Holocaust, and would not have killed all those cats.