I Hate CheeseS

I've set off some explosive truth bombs in my day, but I think this is going to be the most controversial thing I have ever published: I hate cheese.

I think cheese is disgusting. Every single aspect of it. I hate the way it smells; walking past the pungent cheese section of Whole Foods is like being in a sort of agricultural locker room. I hate the taste of it, harshing on my tastebuds like some foreign infection. I hate the consistency of it, either the mucousy texture of brie or the creamy bite of Cheddar. I hate it all.

I hate Monterey Jack and Manchego. I hate American and asiago. I hate goat cheese, head cheese, havarti, muenster, feta, Gouda, ricotta, Beaufort, and Roquefort. I hate it in a salad, with a fruit plate, in a sandwich, on macaroni, as desert, in a burrito, as fondue, on its own, or part of some greater concoction. A mild mozzarella every now and again, particularly on pizza, isn't so bad, but honestly I'd be just as happy with a slice of pizza that just had sauce, sausage, peppers, and onions on it without all the white stuff congealing it together. Know why? Because I hate cheese.

I don't often tell people this because they always say, "How can you not like cheese," with equal parts amazement and disgust like I just said I didn't like sunshine or civil rights or days off or blow jobs. Well, guess what, not everyone likes blow jobs (shocking, I know) and not everyone likes cheese. It's simple: I just don't like it. Maybe you don't like broccoli or red wine or soup or sweets or Cadbury Creme Eggs or movie popcorn or the free lollipops they give out at the bank. For everything in the universe there is someone out there who doesn't like it.

My particular burden is thinking cheese is the most loathsome food product in the world. It's everywhere, especially when you're trying to eat a pre-packaged sandwich or a meal catered for a large group of people. The chef must think, "Oh, we'll just slather it in fake, radioactive yellow nacho cheese and everyone will love our disgusting catering food." False, I will not. And then I have to starve while everyone else around me shouts, "Ooooh. I love cheese. I could just eat cheese all the time. Cheese is so a-mah-zing." Oh, it's so fucking disgusting. And, like loving bacon there is nothing special about liking cheese. Everyone (but me, it seems) loves cheese. So just eat the damn stuff and shut up about it and keep your nasty expired milk crumbs from spraying my face while you talk.

Yes, cheese is just gross. It is, as James Joyce said, "the corpses of milk." Just think about that the next time you cut it and forget to pass the crackers.

[Image via Shutterstock]