PR Dummies: At Least Your Pets Love You, You Horribly Lonely Loser

The public relations industry often seems like a vast sea of ineptitude, studded with fetid islands of grotesquerie. No more so than when approaching Valentine's Day. This is PR Dummies. The worst of the worst, on a weekly basis.

Among this press release's crimes:

1. Inability to avoid evoking the disturbing specter of forbidden man-pet love.
2. Horrible advice for single people.
3. Its existence.

From: Jen Tomasetti
Subject: Love Me, Love My Pet - Singles Can Take the Pressure Off Valentine's Day by Doting on a Beloved Pet

Single on Valentine's Day? Celebrate and appreciate the one you love – your faithful and beloved pet.

[snip]

Love Me, Love My Pet
Singles Can Take the Pressure Off Valentine's Day by Doting on a Beloved Pet

DATELINE: NORWELL, MASSACHUSETTS…
If you're a pet owner who is single, dating and not in a serious relationship, you probably won't be making or looking for a grand romantic gesture on Valentine's Day. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate and shower your affection on the one you love...your pet.
Paul A. Falzone, CEO of eLove Matchmaking, one of the largest professional introduction companies in the world whose dog Torin accompanies him to the office every day explained, "When you're dating, but not in a committed relationship, Valentine's Day can become a mine field of high expectations and disappointment. The best way to enjoy the day is to take the pressure off you and your date completely by placing the focus on your pet(s)."
Whether only one of you has a pet or you both do, get together with your date and dote on your pet(s). Celebrate how much you love and appreciate Fido and Kitty by making your pets a special meal, giving them favorite treats and spending extra time with them.
If you both have pets, have your pets exchange funny Valentine's Day cards and/or little tokens of affection, like a chew toy or new collar.
Head for a local hiking trail where you can stroll with your date while Fido romps around. Take your pet(s) on a picnic at the park or the beach (if pets are allowed). Or, how about putting on some cool music and getting take-out meal for you and your date while Kitty enjoys the climbing post and a catnip toy.
Falzone noted, "There's so much emphasis and hype on Valentine's Day, single people really feel as though they are left out in the cold. It's a day to celebrate and appreciate the ones you love which includes our faithful and beloved friends - our pets." [...]

eLove is all you need

And since we're on the subject of pets, an honorable mention:

From: (PR dummy at Ketchum)
Subject: Ten Foster Cats to Experience the ultimate Feline Playhouse
Importance: High [!]

Hi XXX,

I hope you are doing well! I thought you might be interested in the below information!

This is the true story of ten cats, picked to live in a house , play together and have their lives taped to find out what happens when felines stop being fuzzy and start getting "catty"! Okay, so this may sound the introduction for the next season of a reality show, but trust us it is way better because you can actually interact with the housemates… oh and did we mention they were cats?

Shut up.

[Thanks to everyone who submitted. Please send your own PR Dummies submissions here. Photo via Maslov Dmitry/Shutterstock]