The favorite food of many people who enjoy the greatest sociological experiment of our time is, of course, a meatball sandwich. We love when Snooki and Deena get together, even if what they're doing is stupid, immature, and somewhat immoral.
The trouble with the meatballs is that they're trouble. And they're especially trouble for Bossman Danny, the guy who runs the Shore Store. He just can't ever get them to actually work. But before we can get to all that, let us take a look at the guido's unique vocabulary, so we will know just what they're discussing when they're on their permanent coffee break.
- Arkansas: A place where there is never sunlight. Guidos know that their kind really only live in a certain region of the United States. Since their diaspora never reached Arkansas, a myth developed that there is no sun there. Not only is this a comment on their lack of a guido population, but due to the necessity for UV rays to maintain their dark complexion, it also keeps the guidos at bay.
- Demons: A man's seminal fluid. It appears that the guido male feels the need to copulate so much because a build up of semen in the body is like being poisoned. This probably has something to do with the extreme measures a guido will go to in order to get laid when he hasn't gotten off in awhile. For the animal to remain calm, it must release often.
- Smash and Dash: To sleep with a woman once and never sleep with her again. While this is something the males promote toward each other, it is something that they wouldn't talk to a woman about. This is evidenced by the way The Situation's brother treats Deena's sister.
The problem with the meatballs at work is the same problem we've seen repeated again and again during this latest phase of our experiment. The cameras aren't recording the entirety of their experience. What the cameras won't show is that these people are actually rich and famous but they are forced to live in a foreign environment where they have to hold down a job, nominally so that they can maintain their position in the house which is what their real job is—the be observed for our edification and entertainment.
Snooki and Deena, because they don't really need the job, have no respect for it whatsoever. When they don't feel like working, they just take off. Bossman Danny, however, needs our guidos in his shop because he needs free labor and their star power to attract costumers and keep his business booming. That is why he is forever chasing after them. I have a feeling that he doesn't even really need them to do much than just stand around the store, but even that is too much for the twin terrors.
Instead, they play the strange "follow game" and follow each other right out of work and into the bar. After Danny retrieves them, they leave again to go dance with a bachelorette, which, if you've ever done it, is more taxing that even the grossest of manual labor.
A very strange thing occurred at Aztec, the guidos' least favorite bar. Vinny meets up with a girl who is cute enough, but maybe a little busted. Then he meets a really hot girl, so he foists the first girl off on Deena and focuses on the hotter girl. This girl turns out to be a lesbian. She doesn't know why she has these strange stirrings in her soul for a man, considering she only likes women, but it must have something to do with the magnetism of Vinny's huge cock. It will even turn a lesbian straight.
Vinny, as an American male raised on girl-on-girl action videos with a fetish for lesbians, wants to turn this girl straight. It would prove that he is virile, charming, and, of course, has the biggest dick of them all. However, at the end of the night, she doesn't follow through and pursue these strange stirrings in her nether regions. She goes back into the night and into obscurity forever.
The interesting thing, to me, is that Deena plays the part of wing person, keeping Vinny's secondary piece entertained so that, if and when things don't work out with the lesbian, he still has a little something on the back burner. This shows, once again, how Deena identifies more with the male of the species, playing a role that would normally be taken by one of the guys. Also it gives her a chance to dance and flirt with another girl which, if she really is a closeted lesbian is something she would enjoy.
But why wouldn't Deena want to be around the real lesbian? For the same reason that an actor who is actually gay would never take a gay role in a movie. She can't be associated with other gay women because, if she does, her housemates might suspect that she is a lesbian—or, ironically as Deena calls them, a Lesbehonest. But she can't be honest at all. Poor Deena.
Universal maternity figure JWOWW continues to have squabbles with her boyfriend Roger, the Mayor of Seaside Heights. He is a very busy public figure and JWOWW does not like that he won't make time for her. This causes her to fight with him. it's exacerbated by the fact that the guys keep running into Roger and telling JWOWW that he's hanging around, but he won't call her.
When she confronts him about why he was on the beach with his friends and wasn't calling her, he says because he had to call in sick to work because he misplaced his phone, so he was off work but couldn't call her because he had no phone. I'm sorry, but this makes no sense. This is the same guy who turned down a free trip to Italy to visit his girlfriend because he couldn't get the time off work and now he's taking days off because he couldn't find his phone? Craziness.
JWOWW responds by making this phone call and then hanging up. Apparently it further upsets Mayor Roger, because when he sees the boys at the gym, he gives them a message for JWOWW. He says, in effect, he won't be her bitch and she can't yell at him and she needs to stop treating him like a child. When the message is delivered, JWOWW calls him and apologizes, for no reason, and he yells at her for hanging up on him.
JWOWW, the powerful woman who supposedly will rip a guy's head off after she sleeps with him, has been thoroughly domesticated by Mayor Roger. Even though she was done wrong, she is now apologizing and doing whatever she can to get back in his good graces. While the guido culture seems matriarchal in so many respects, it's a little sad to see that even our strongest woman can be taken down by the patriarchy.
Paulie Dangerous seems to have a problem with stalkers. First there was Danielle, Agent of Mossad, an Israeli who was trying to kidnap him and bring him back to the Middle East so her people could use his DNA to breed a race of super soldiers. Now there is this sad girl Vanessa who just hangs around waiting for him to talk to her. She wears a DJ Paulie D hat and sits outside the Shore Store, she follows him and Vinny on the boardwalk. She's like a paparazzo who doesn't take pictures. Vinny jokes that she put a GPS in DJ Paulie Dogged's blowout so that she can always find him.
At the pool hall, DJ Paulie Dickishness keeps introducing Vinny to ugly girls and telling them he's interested in them. Vinny finally retaliates by calling the stalker over and introducing her to DJ Paulie Dumbstruck. What does she do with her opportunity? She just stands there like a crazy person with her mouth open, unable to talk to her idol.
Oh, how she played this scenario out in her mind so many times, and it always ended differently. It always ended with Paulie realizing what a nice, beautiful girl she was. How funny her jokes were and how awesome it was that she was so devoted to The Vampire Diaries. He would know everything about her and there would be an instant connection, one of those loves you read about in romance novels and Twilight fan fiction where this big huge star meets a normal girl and falls for her. That is what she thought was going to happen.
But she was far too caught up in her fantasy. She was way too deep in her own mind to have it play out in reality and all she felt was a stirring in her stomach and a tightness behind her knees that kept her standing stock still but wouldn't allow her to speak or interact. She could barely breathe, now that this man—her ideal, her dream lover—was finally talking to her.
Then he walked away, with a lame excuse about using the bathroom, and he was gone forever. She would go home that night and cry and cry into her pillow and stay up all night replaying every second of their interaction and fantasizing about how it could have been different. What she could have said that would have persuaded him. What he should have said to her. She will look for hidden meanings in every utterance, and in them she will find assurance. She will find what she needs to go on, whether that is another day with her camera in front of the Shore Store or the complete devastation that will ruin her appetite and sleep schedule for a week before she can go on. Either way, her life was forever changed. She had a date with DJ Paulie Destiny.