How Much Fecal Matter and Lube Would It Take to Paint a 'Santorum' Sign with Santorum?

The above image of Rick Santorum came to Gawker's tips line with the subject line "santorum pictures (REAL!!!!)"

Using Dan Savage's infamous neologism for "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex," the tipster explained, "this is my friend with santorum himself with a sign that appears to be made from santorum. this is 100% real."

Pressed for details, the tipster admitted the sign was made with paint. Nonetheless, the idea of a Santorum sign made with santorum piqued our interest. Is it possible? How much santorum would it take? After some discussion, we calculated the following:

  • IF the sign in Santorum's hands is 6 sq. ft. (3ft x 2ft) THEN the words SANTORUM FOR PRESIDENT are likely taking up 1 sq. ft. of poster board.
  • IF santorum were three times as thick as house paint, THEN 1 gal. of santorum would cover 115 sq. ft. of poster.

    IF 1 gal. santorum / 115 sq. ft. poster = X gal. santorum / 1 sq. ft. poster THEN X = 0.0087 gal. santorum = 1.113 oz. santorum

    THUS this poster would require 1.113 oz. santorum, or a little more than 6.5 tsp.

  • BUT santorum is not nearly as opaque as house paint, nor as richly pigmented, nor as consistently spreadable. (Sometimes, one regular santorum-encounterer tells me, the santorum isn't even liquid, but more of a pilled-up ball.) To increase santorum opacity one would need either a dye of some sort, or to digest richly pigmented food before ass-fucking. SIDENOTE: The squid ink soup at Kin Shop is delicious.
  • THUS even with hyper-pigmented santorum, you would need at least 5 fluid ounces of fecal fuck matter to replicate the above Santorum sign in real santorum. Particularly when you take into account the santorum you'd lose to the bristles of your brush and other margins of error.
  • FURTHERMORE IF the average santorum-generating ass-fuck generates 1 tsp. of santorum, AND IF 1 oz. = 6 tsp. THEN a Santorum sign with 1 sq. ft. of painted surface would require 30 santorum-generating ass-fucks, plus pigment and planning.

If anyone would like to engage in 30 sloppy squid-ink ass-fucks, then paint a sign and take a picture and send it to tips@gawker.com, feel free. Just know that we'll react by calling the cops and getting a restraining order.