Winter has finally hit, for real this time. It's cold. It's dark. Your New Year's resolutions have undoubtedly failed by now. You'll be spending yet another Valentine's Day alone. Don't despair. Let hate warm you up. Here's an arbitrary list of seven careers full of people you should hate.
*note: this list does not apply to any Gawker commenters or friends of mine. You guys are different. Special. Not like the others.
7. Social Media Experts: I'm not talking about social media reporters or guys like Anthony De Rosa, who I find invaluable. I'm talking about you people who fly around to different tech conferences giving speeches about how everything is being interconnected and we're achieving optimization of social media platforms and seriously what the hell does any of that jibberish mean? Then you add something about the cloud and Egypt. These are the people that mega-corporations pay hundreds of thousands in consulting fees to teach them how to set up a facebook page. How is this a real job? You basically teach old people to use twitter and you get paid astronomically for it.
6. Personal Trainers: You think I'm not onto you? Oh, you want to help me at the gym today purely out of the goodness of your heart? Bullshit. You're just luring me into a false sense of security so that you can tell me how weak I am and then pounce on me with overpriced training sessions when the only thing you know about fitness is something you read on the cover of a magazine in the supermarket. You know what the requirements for a personal trainer are at most of the corporate gyms in this city? Nothing. You simply need to be good at preying on middle-aged business people who don't know any better. Then you can strap them into whatever dumb trendy contraption is lying around and convince them they're working their core when you're probably just ruining their joints. We both know you're just wasting their time. But the one day I need a spot, you're too busy texting and staring off into the distance. I hope a barbell falls on your femur.
5. District Attorneys: Yes, they certainly do some good. They go after mobsters and gangbangers and corrupt politicians and CEOs, often times risking their own personal safety. And I love Law and Order as much as the next guy. But if your job every day, day in day out is to put people behind bars, there's got to be a certain amount of evil inside you. Seriously, how many Black and Hispanic 16-year-old non-violent drug offenders do you send to jail/prison in the course of a career? Need more examples? This guy was a DA. So was this guy. I rest my case.
4. Nightlife Promoters: If you're over the age of 25 and involved with any sort of nightlife promotion, you are a sad specimen of a human being. This is what should qualify as a good nightlife spot for adults: cheap alcohol, the presence of your friends, a few attractive members of the opposite sex, decent music, a place to sit and room to dance. Everything else is entirely unnecessary. Think about what you people actually do. You spend all day every day trying to convince certain people to come to your establishment. Then you stand outside with a clipboard (A CLIPBOARD) to decide who comes in and who doesn't. You're a grownup. Look, I know there are lots of attractive members of the opposite sex present, and maybe the money is decent, but how do you go home at night, look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I am an adult and this is my job" without busting out into hysterical fits of laughter and/or tears.
3. Anyone Involved In The Making And Promoting Of Maroon 5's Music: Spare me the Nuremberg defense, you know damn well what you're doing. Is Adam Levine easy on the eyes? Yes, indeed. But his voice and his music sound like the death throes of 1,000 hamsters. Maroon 5 is the hookup soundtrack for middle-aged yuppies who get divorced and move to condos in Dumbo. The song "Moves like Jagger" is like the anti-viagra. Any man who hears that song has no chance of ever getting an erection for the next 6 hours. Seriously, only you have the power to stop this. They've already ruined the Beach Boys and Mick Jagger. WHAT BELOVED MUSIC ICONS ARE NEXT?
2. Advertising Executives: If Adbusters really wanted to start a revolution, they should have just printed the salaries of the creative geniuses behind beer and car commercials. These people easily make over a quarter of a million, not to mention the expense accounts. And I don't care what Mad Men has convinced you of, you are not artists. You are not cool. You are not edgy. You are where culture goes to die. The advertising industry is the biggest scam on earth. You can't call yourself a "creative" when your main job is to come up with snappy ways to introduce a new shampoo or soft drink product redesign. You might actually be responsible for the downfall of both America and the world.
Burger king recently poured $300 million into a new advertising agency, and all I remember from their commercials is avocado slices glistening in the sun. Here's what you do, Burger King CEO: Take $100,000 out of that $300 million. Give it to a bunch of NYU film students. They'll come up with much better shit than the agency, guaranteed. Then take the other $299,900,000 and pay your low-level employees a better wage with better benefits. Buy better quality, leaner meats and produce. And why not just donate a bunch to diabetes prevention campaigns? Every other fast food company and giant corporation follow suit. There, I just solved the economy and the obesity epidemic. Sure, a couple of guys who wear jeans with blazers over vintage t's will be unemployed, but I'm not mad about that.
1. Bloggers: How is there an entire burgeoning billion dollar industry of twenty-somethings who write crap on the Internet? I don't understand it. A bunch of kids with no life experience write their views on the news of the day and world affairs and entertainment like it matters and you people eat it up? I have lifelong friends I have to ply with booze to get them to listen to me talk about anything for more than five minutes, and here you guys are, willfully clicking away. I can't even look in the mirror. I was going to be a foreign correspondent! I'm getting a drink.
[pic via Shutterstock]