What Kind of Crap Should Be in School Vending Machines?

Are school vending machines causing obesity amongst America's youth? Haha, haha, yeah right. Eating one dozen Cadbury "Creme" eggs in the closet at midnight while typing furiously on Twitter is causing obesity amongst America's youth. Still, every little calorie saved helps, when it comes to our corn-syrup-addicted children. The government is setting new guidelines for what can be in school vending machines. What (vending machine) food should be put on (the kids in) our families (in school)?

  • Vegetables and crap: Little baby carrots. Those are kind of like a "snack" that kids might buy, if all of the good snacks were sold out. I can't think of any other vegetables kids will eat. Just stick with those carrots.
  • Fruit and crap: Apples. Kids like apples. And bananas. From there fruit starts getting a little weird. Pears? Peaches? Plums? Maybe. Oranges? Grapes? Pineapples? Cherries? Well... maybe if you can put them all in a can and cover them in a light syrup. Mmm. Light syrup.
  • Nuts and crap: Haha, you're eating nuts. Hey Aydynn, how do those nuts taste in your mouth? Aydynn loves to eat nuts. Haha. I guess we can't get kids to eat nuts. Except Aydynn. Haha.
  • Peanut butter crap: Here, eat this peanut butter on some celery sticks, sealed in a plastic bag, available in the vending machine. Lots of protein and whatnot. Does peanut butter have nuts in it, meaning you are eating nuts, nuts in your mouth, making you a gaymar? Ah.. no.
  • Juice and crap: Lemme tell you something really funny, okay. PepsiCo and the Coca-Cola Corp. are all, "Sure, we support healthy kids, that's why instead of shipping our corn syrup soda to schools now, we're shipping our diet soda, along with our "juice"-flavored drinks (LESS THAN 10% JUICE)." Yeah real funny, corporate behemoths. Let's give our kids some fucking juice made from juice. There is only one fucking ingredient in juice, by definition. What is it, kids? Buy it to find out.
  • Organic crap: Hey chubby, are you eating Oreos? Oh no, those are Paul Newman's Organic Newman-O's made from lovingly grown cane sugar from Madagascar and shit. Carry on.
  • Milk and crap: You don't like milk because of, I dunno, vegan cow-loving teat-suckling, figuratively? Yeah your kid doesn't like milk either, that's why he's drinking Mountain Dew. Just drink the god damn milk.
  • Doritos: But the Dorito's button is broken. Already put your money in the vending machine, huh? Oh well. I guess you have to get some healthy crap.
[Photo: tkraska/ Flickr]