Okay people, let's do this. I got a bottle of Sangiovese and ten of my bestest galpals with me, and I am prepared to dispense MAXIMUM BITCHINESS. Your host tonight is Billy Crystal, whom you almost certainly haven't seen since the LAST time he hosted the Oscars. Don't be shocked if he walks out onto the stage looking like Miracle Max, only covered in bad foundation makeup and without the hat. Your Best Picture nominees are as follows:
• Mel Brooks' Silent French Movie
• 9/11 Treasure Hunt
• Horsey Gump
• Clooney In Flip-Flops
• Nerdy Stat Nerds
• Annie Hall, Part 36
• Pretty Shots of Tall Grass
• The Nanny Diaries: The Jim Crow Years
• Real Steel Prequel Directed by Martin Scorsese
I'll be here all evening to update you on the festivities, so sit back and relax as we celebrate Harvey Weinstein's ability to strongarm Academy voters into honoring a silent French movie that no one saw. Feel free to add your musings to t he comments section. It's your Oscars liveblog. Off we go.
11:36pm: Cruise is here for Best Picture. And the winner is... THE ARTIST. Cue the goofy clown music. Good night, everybody.
11:31pm: Oh, Streep just charmed the pants off of everyone. How can anyone stay mad at her? ACTING.
11:30pm: Your Best Actress is MERYL STREEP! OH SHIT! VIOLA GOT ROBBED!
11:26pm: And more mini speeches for the Actress nominees. Michelle Williams looks like a five-year-old boy.
11:21pm: Very important that you get a close-up of the singing organist in the balcony.
11:17pm: Your Best Actor is JEAN DUJARDIN. I just won my Oscar pool. I KNOW THE BUSINESS.
11:15pm: Every Best Actor guy is gonna get a mini speech from Portman. "And I'll never forget you, Brad Pitt. Because you wore a visor."
11:13pm: Crystal just undercut that whole stupid actors talking montage. I take back all the mean things I said about him. That owned.
11:04pm: Death montage time. No applause-o-meter. BOOO. Just Erykah Badu or someone who stole her hair singing over tasteful black-and-white photos. BULLSHIT. Since there's no crowd sound for this, I'll do some of them for you:
JANE RUSSELL: Modest applause.
POLLY PLATT: Who? Save your palms.
WHITNEY HOUSTON: MAMMOTH CLAPPING AND TEARS
MICHAEL CACOYANNIS: People pretending to be hip and knowing will clap extra loud just to stand out.
PETER FALK: Ooh! He got a sound bite! MOAR IMPORTANT THAN THAT ENGINEER DUDE.
CLIFF ROBERTSON: One-ups Falk with a visual clip. BANG. He's in the lead.
SIDNEY LUMET: Now everyone's getting a sound bite, which kinda ruins it, you know?
STEVE JOBS: CLAP BECAUSE HE WORKED THE CHINESE LIKE DOGS
GIL CATES: "The fundamental job of a producer is to be a dreamer." So now I KNOW producers do nothing except count money.
LIZ TAYLOR: Gets the anchor slot. You knew she would. Most important dead person.
10:59pm: The Death Montage is COMING! There's still time for Nolte to pass away in his chair and be included. AW HELL.
10:58pm: Ugh Oprah. She's the fucking worst. ME ME ME ME ME.
10:55pm: Meryl Streep's designer: "Can we make her look extremely wide, like a highway overpass?"
10:54pm: Still traumatized from seeing Kristen Chenowith in those GCB promos. She looks like a GOP nominee's wife. I fear her. Her and Jolie.
10:48pm: Your Best Director goes to Michel Hazanavicius. Very sad not to see any behind-the-camera shots of the directors during the presentation of the nominees. I love seeing men in safari hats pointing at shit.
10:46pm: Your Best Animated short is that one about the flying books. And the winning dude is wearing a stupid hat. Must EVERY animation director look like he goes out trolling for preschool ass at the local playground? It's not helping. I wouldn't let my kid within eighty yards of John Lassetter.
10:44pm: Whoa hey, Erin from "The Office" came dressed as a member of Heart. I have no issue with that.
10:42pm: Your Best Documentary Short is "Saving Face". Someone was drunk and shouted out for Scorsese before the award. And that, people, was the most spontaneous moment of the evening.
10:40pm: Your Best Live Action Short is "The Shore." Presented by the cast of Bridesmaids. I think those six gals might actually live together and share male lovers and stuff. They're never apart. Ever.
10:31pm: I keep waiting for the actors in this montage to sell me iCloud.
10:30pm: Your Best Original Screenplay winner is Midnight in Paris, which was actually adapted from EVERY FUCKING WOODY ALLEN MOVIE EVER. Seriously, I loved the nuanced way he crafted the two characters of Bitch Fiancee and Bitch Fiancee's Bitch Mom. Real subtle there. And GET ON A PLANE, WOODY. No one wants to hear you play the clarinet. What a dipshit.
10:28pm: Your Best Adapted Screenplay is The Descendants, featuring that one guy from "Community"! The Internet is happy. Alexander Payne is the tits.
10:27pm: Every time they do the screenplay nominees, they show the dialogue typed on screen. I get it. It's written. That's kind of implied when you have actors talking.
10:22pm: That's another baseball joke from Crystal. This is Bob Costas' favorite Oscars.
10:20pm: OMG HOT CIGARETTE GIRLS HANDING OUT POPCORN.
10:17pm: Your Best Song is "Man or Muppet." Bret? PRISINT. Murray? NOT PRISINT.
10:16pm: Every time a Frenchman wins an award tonight, I keep waiting for him to slip Bertolucci-style and mention "The Big Nipple".
10:14pm: Your Best Score winner is The Artist. It's like Kim Novak is being raped ALL OVER AGAIN.
10:13pm: Penelope Cruz is looking great, and Owen Wilson is rocking his permanent hat hair. He looks like he spent the entire past two decades wearing a dirty Gamecocks hat.
10:12pm: Don't you wish Ratner had been in charge of this thing still? You would have had UFC ring girls presenting awards, bottle service in the front row, and free GHB for Nolte!
10:11pm: Time for a random Academy executive to come out and start yapping. He should be wearing a Fiesta Bowl jacket.
10:08pm: It's the "What they're thinking" bit. Angelina Jolie laughed. Every time Angelina Jolie laughs, six babies are ritually slaughtered.
10:05pm: "Are you ready to go back to Titanic?" FUCK AND NO.
10:04pm: God I wish Nolte had won. He looks like he just killed and ate a bear and then BECAME that bear's essence. He's on GHB right now. It's so obvious. Unlike you, he knows how to do it right.
10:03pm: Your Best Supporting Actor is CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER. Although the applause-o-meter gave it to Jonah Hill. I love gauging the applause during the acting nominations. You really learn who pays for drinks and who doesn't.
9:58pm Crystal just complimented his own Romney/Potter joke. Just in case Tom Shales doesn't do it for him.
9:56pm: Your Best Visual Effects goes to Hugo. Because again, it's not like Harry Potter didn't keep the whole movie business afloat for the past decade.
9:55pm: They're doing a nice job with the actual presentation of these awards, with little commentaries spliced into the listing of nominees. And that's the last compliment I hand out this evening.
9:53pm: Ben Stiller is "pretending" to be a dick to a rather luminous Emma Stone. But seriously, he's a dick. I don't think this bit is a stretch for him.
9:50pm: Melissa McCarthy just did a good bit about hitting on Billy Crystal. Except now I have to throw up because I just thought about Billy Crystal plowing someone, presumably while daydreaming about Mickey Mantle.
9:47pm: Your Best Animated movie is Rango. Please tell me Rock is gonna knock off the Short category right afterwards.
9:45pm: Chris Rock stole DL Hughley's haircut.
9:44pm: SWEAR! SOMEONE SWORE! OH FUCK! YOU GET THE WRAP-IT-UP MUSIC AND A MUTED MIC FOR THAT!
9:43pm: Your Best Documentary is Undefeated. SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES.
9:41pm: Robert Downey Jr. is dressed like a magician.
9:40pm: Can we talk about Crystal's tux? When he says "Try the veal," I really do think he's suggesting that I order the veal.
9:38pm: This whole Soleil montage is meant to convey what it's like to go to the movies. Yeah well, the last time I went to the Regal Cinemas, there wasn't a 15-year-old contortionist hanging out while my chair spun around. I assume this only happens if you plunk down extra to hit the ArcLight.
9:35pm: Here comes the circus. I kinda thought they were going through these awards fast, but now an hour has passed and the circus is here and we haven't gotten to ANY of the short film awards. The Oscars will always trick you like that.
9:31pm Here's an ad campaign featuring Ellen DeGeneres ripping off Crystal's montage bit, only with generic films. Brilliant idea. I can't wait to see her homage to a 60's hippie comedy that never existed.
9:30pm: We just got a tease for Best Actor. What are the odds you don't actually see that award presented for another four hours? I hate long teases like that. There should be A LAW stating all teases must come right after the next break. No more, "Coming soon... BEST ACTOR! Sometime! We think!"
9:28pm: Your Sound Mixing winner is Hugo. ANOTHER TEAM! I eagerly await an Oscar for the Wild Samoans.
9:27pm: Your Best Sound Editing winner is Hugo. Ever notice all these random award winners come in twos? Always a team. No one sound edits alone.
9:23pm: Your Best Editing winner is Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. As always, this award always goes to the longest movie. Makes perfect sense.
9:22pm: Crystal: "Please clap again for my opening montage."
9:19pm: The entire Best In Show ensemble is in this focus group sketch. I have no problem if this sketch goes on for four hours and the rest of the show is scuttled.
9:18pm: I twisted the ice cube tray so hard I broke it. Nothing newsworthy about that. Still: STRENGTH.
9:16pm: I'm moving Streep ahead of Davis for Best Actress, only because Davis came to the theater rocking Dionne Farris' haircut. "I know what you're doooo-in'... yeah yeah..."
9:10pm: Your Best Supporting Actress winner is a clearly overwhelmed and touched and adorable OCTAVIA SPENCER. Can we talk about how uncomfortable it was to watch that fried chicken scene now? Because it was SO uncomfortable. I mean honestly, did they have to go there? "We have to be sensitive to people thinking this is movie is little more than cheap exploitation. OH HEY FRIED CHICKEN HOMAGE. GOOD IDEA!"
9:08pm: The guy who made A Separation just gave a brave and touching speech about oppression. Or it would have been touching, had he bothered to memorize it. CLEARLY WRITTEN BY A PUBLICIST.
9:07pm: Your Best Foreign movie is A Separation. It looks very serious. I'm not ready for that. More Treasure Buddies for me!
9:03pm: Uh, Sandra Bullock is speaking German. Pretty sure Jesse James just tried to get her back on the phone. PUT ON THIS ARMBAND, WOMAN. WE CAN BE TOGETHER AGAIN.
9:01pm: It's a clip job of a bunch of actors talking about, like movies. And of course it leads off with Serious Ben Stiller. Serious Ben Stiller is clearly a huge prick. Tonight's Oscar theme? MOVIES. Very specific. I like it.
8:56pm: Your Makeup Oscar winner is The Iron Lady. Even though the Harry Potter folks had to do a similar job with, like, 30,000 more actors. But God forbid that movie win an Oscar.
8:53pm: Your Costume Design Oscar goes to The Artist. Also, J-Lo out-cleavaged Cameron Diaz, even though her dress looked like a lemon juicer.
8:51pm: It's a clip montage, but they never bothered to explain what the montage is for. So that's fun. "Hey everyone, here's every opening promo to a Warner Brothers DVD. Hope you like it."
8:50pm: Crystal: "People watch movies on their phones!" I KNOW! Kids these days.
8:48pm: Meryl Streep came dressed as a Trump Tower shower curtain. Get a stylist, lady.
8:45pm: Your Best Art Direction Oscar goes to Hugo. Pretty sure the husband thanked "Grandfinger," which would be the greatest hip hop handle ever.
8:44pm: Your Best Cinematography winner is Hugo. Which was apparently shot by Edgar Winter.
8:43pm: Tom Hanks is paying tribute to the seat filler. IT'S ONLY 8:43 HOLY SHIT WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT.
8:42pm: And your medley was over. Do we all feel like we just spent a night in the Catskills? I do. Let's all go to the honeymoon suite and bang in the bathtub shaped like a champagne flute.
8:39pm: I don't know why people love this medley so much. It's basically like someone said, "Hey, how can we make the Oscars feel more like the Tonys?"
8:38pm: And now Crystal is making a baseball analogy. Leitch is creaming in his Cards uni. AND we got a texting joke.
8:36pm: "This is my ninth time hosting the Oscars. PLEASE APPLAUD FOR ME."
8:33pm: Bieber joke. Next up on the joke list: Sheen, Twitter, Snooki, and "the computers."
8:32pm: Billy Crystal's montage opens with him being begged to host the show (PLEEEEZ!), and then a plug for his movie, which opens in fucking SEPTEMBER.
8:30pm: Who did Morgan Freeman just wink at? I say Kiebler.
8:24pm: We were just promised a medley AND a circus theme by Brian Grazer. MOTHER OF FUCK.
8:21pm: Roberts just interviewed Natalie Portman, who looks awesome and is rocking $500,000,000 worth of Harry Winston ice. She's looking forward to Billy Crystal because he's not going to be mean. The night's already a letdown.
8:15pm: An enthusiastic Nina Garcia is terrifying. So, so unnatural.
8:13pm: Holy shit, Sandra Bullock's eyes are practically back in her eardrums.
8:12pm: Brad Pitt is here tonight, and he's brought Tom Hanks' Da Vinci Code haircut with him.
8:11pm: Stacy Kiebler is BEAMING. She looks like she just won $1,000 off a scratch ticket.
8:02pm: Glenn Close continues the tradition of "women coming off a manly role dressing up real girly at the Oscars." She just wants to make sure you know she still has tits, America.
8:00pm: Entertainment Weekly editor Jess Cagle is one of the sideline reporters tonight. NOT A CONFLICT OF INTEREST AT ALL!
7:53pm: "True or Flase, Nick Nolte: You own a pet crow." Pretty sure every possible life event is TRUE in the case of Nick Nolte. "True or False: You once fired a dog out of a cannon while on mescaline."
7:52pm: Tim Gunn, a British lady, Robin Roberts, professional indifferent person Nina Garcia, and sixty other people are your pre-show hosts. Jennifer Lopez just told Tim Gunn that "we" worked really hard in the movie business this year. I'm sure she worked very hard during her two minutes in the voice booth recording her part for "Scrat's Continental Crack-up Part 2," which was the only movie she was in the year. Really.