Predict Weepy Speeches and Red Carpet Grabass in Our Alternative Oscars Betting PoolS

Oscars betting pools are generally a waste of time and money, on account of the Academy Awards being too predictable: Everyone places their bets on whoever the Entertainment Weekly said would win, and then three-quarters of the people in your pool are forced to split the prize.

So, to throw chaos in the face of the longstanding tradition of Oscars betting pools, we're hosting an alternative game. Below, you'll find 15 fields ripe for predictions that are only marginally related to who wins what.

Place your bets in the comment section, numbering the fields 1-15. The winner will receive a surprising gift related to whichever movie wins Best Picture, and a couple runners-up will get some other topical prizes that I'll think of on Monday. Standard contest rules apply, as does my arbitrary discretion.

1. Which base will Brangelina get to on the red carpet, assuming the following baseball sex metaphors:

  • First base: Light kissing, no tongue, no touching of erogenous zones.
  • Second base: Tongue kissing, touching of erogenous zones including the butt and breasts, but not including genitals or asshole.
  • Third base: Manual or oral stimulation of genitals.
  • Fourth base: Penetrative intercourse with genitals.

2. Which base will Aniston and Theroux get to on the red carpet?

3. Number of acceptance speech references to God.

4. Number of acceptance speech references to "my agent."

5. Predict the color of Rooney Mara's dress. (Though the safe bet is black, note that taking a risk in this field could be a betting pool gamechanger.)

6. Predict how many acceptance speeches will include tears.

7. Predict which weeping post-racial faces the camera will zoom in on during The Help's inevitable Best Supporting Actress (and possible Best Actress) wins.

8. Number of references to the actress who played the maid from Gone with the Wind in post-Oscars discourse about The Help, as determined by a Google News search performed at noon on Monday. (Note that a "Hattie McDaniel" mention in an AP or Reuters write-up would significantly impact this category.)

9. Number of times the camera cuts to Jack Nicholson for a reaction shot.

10. Predict three worst-dressed females.

11. Clooney arm candy Stacy Kiebler will showcase which of the following body parts: Back, boobs, shoulders, legs. (Select all that apply.)

12. Will Uggie make an appearance? If so, what will he wear?

13. On a scale of 1-10, how tacky will the costumes in the Cirque du Soleil performance be?

14. Number of people forced to awkwardly interact with Muppets as though they are real humans, on stage.

15. Wildcard: Make one Oscars prediction that isn't covered by the above. Unexpected truths will be rewarded.

UPDATE: The results are in! For accurately predicting the Aniston-Theroux snub, zero "my agent" references, Stacy Kiebler's boobs and shoulders, and Uggie's bow tie, damgerine wins a The Artist-themed gift: Bestselling Taylor Swift CD Speak Now, the title of which is sort of the point of the movie, right? Meanwhile, runner-up candy_pants wins a rubber Speak Now bracelet.

[Image via AP]