Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

Sure, last night's Academy Awards were the worst Oscars ever. But that doesn't mean we were deprived the always-glamorous faces of the silver screen. Happy faces, sad faces, faces incapable of emotion due to injections—they're all here for your perusal.

PREVIOUSLY: Drunk & Disorderly: Faces Of The Golden Globes

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

Staring at Maya Rudolph's chest is okay if you're a nun.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

"What's that? I look like a Lexus ad? Oh, ha-ha, you're totally the first person to make that joke tonight."

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

(Regrets asking Nick Nolte about his esoteric animal husbandry practices.)

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

Cameron Diaz just got bingo'd in Words With Friends.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

I know that looks like an iPhone in Zach Galifianakis's pocket, but it's actually an Altoids tin filled with equal amounts mescaline buttons and Werther's Originals.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

"Tell me about the mustache, Bradley." "I grew it to hide the lesions that resulted from eating too many Frosties with the Wendy's spoon. I mean, have you ever tried to use one of those spoons? You practically have to put your nose down into it to get all the Frosty out."

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

(Has made the unfortunate mistake of kissing Sandra Bullock's cheek, during which excess Botox that had leached out of Bullock's face was rubbed into hers)

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

Remember how your mom said "If you keep making that face, it'll get stuck that way"? That actually happened to Adam Sandler sometime around the filming of Big Daddy.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

"The kidnappers say they have Billy Crystal, and this is their list of deman— look, does anybody really want him back? Didn't think so."

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

Asleep or texting?

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

Look how happy these beautiful people are to be at this esteemed affair. (Also another "asleep or texting?")

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

You can practically see the Eureka above Clooney's head. Expect his next film project to be about acrobats.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

My god, it's like looking into a mirror of myself watching this ceremony.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

(Cannot believe they agreed to this shit.)

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

"My name is Orenthal L. Wetblanket, reminding you Don't Copy That Floppy."

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

"What the fuck is this shit?"

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

HOLY BALLS. THAT HAT.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

"Pharmaceuticals!"

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

Has anyone helped this woman? She's clearly being held captive by James Cromwell.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

Morgan Freeman is, unsurprisingly, disappointed by everything that followed his opening appearance.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

When I was 19 I saw Wonder Boys. That Michael Douglas picture inspired me to become a college professor. This Michael Douglas picture, meanwhile, has inspired me never to marry a Welsh cell phone spokesperson.

Fear, Loathing, And Modern Medicine: The Faces Of The Academy Awards

A must.