Adult Virgins Say the Darndest ThingsS

There are, in theory, emotionally stable adults who happen to be virgins and are capable discussing their virginity without humiliating themselves. Unfortunately, the humiliation-prone virgins on TLC and in the "Femail" section of The Daily Mail are constantly drowning the normal ones out.

Femail begins its latest "Happy To Be Virgins" feature begins with a proclamation: "They're stylish, eligible women who you'd assume would have their pick of lovers." Then it presents a series of full-body portraits, alongside sob stories about troubled self-esteem.

Ten choice quotes:

  • "I don't want to sound conceited, but friends—both male and female—tell me men don't approach me because I'm too pretty.
  • "I couldn't stand the thought of anyone seeing me naked."
  • "I wasn't brought up a Christian, but I read Dan Brown's novel Angels And Demons when I was 21, and its theories on Christianity made me question my beliefs."
  • "I learned to associate casual sex with disease."
  • "I'm not going to lie—I look at David Beckham in his underpants and think he's attractive—but I've always managed to quash any impulse to act on my desire."
  • "I volunteer for a homeless charity, which gives me a greater sense of satisfaction than any half-baked sexual encounter." [Ed: Fully baked stoner orgies with homeless dudes are extra-satisfying.]
  • "I went to an all-girls private school which was described by the local boys as ‘Whores on the Hill' because the girls there were so slutty."
  • "The idea of finding a boyfriend who would tolerate my aggressive mood swings was inconceivable."
  • "Once a month or so I might feel a flicker of desire, but nothing I need to act on."
  • "If I lost my virginity to a man who then left me, I would feel exploited and fall to pieces."

Gahhhh. [Daily Mail, image via Stefan Ataman/Shutterstock]