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Something serious and sad is threatening the greatest sociological experiment of our time: couples. Yes, it seems like everyone is paired up and Snooki is even expecting Jersey Shore's first virgin birth. Haha. Just kidding. Snooki's no virgin. And Situation got Vinny pregnant when he touched the smush bed anyway. That was the first.
Yes, as Deena so astutely pointed out—and, as scientists of these guidos I'm disappointed I never noticed—that all the women in the house are members of a couple, except her. While the guidettes are always looking to settle down with one man, the men are horribly averse to it, which is why they are all single and out at the club trying to prowl women who can be convinced, for a night, that they want to settle down with them. Or they're just too slutty to care. Either one.
Alright, before we can look at the act of coupling, let us look at the newest editions to our ever-expanding guido lexicon:
- Toodle-Pants: The state of extreme inebriation where one must escape to the comfort of her (or his) bed and pretend to disengage from the group for reasons of regaining sobriety that is never attained.
- Chess Piece: Someone who has been played. This is a pejorative and describes someone who has been fooled by someone else. However, evoking the game of kings (or is that polo or something else?) gives the indication that the person who has been played is being played for some greater scheme. Since we are dealing with guidos who can't think past their immediate urges, this is never the case.
So, Deena is pissed that everyone is in a couple and she has no single girlfriends to fuck...I mean, hang out with. Instead she always ends up going out with the guys, which is fitting because she's always socialized like a guy anyway.
Even Vinny and DJ Paulie Divorced hate the idea of all the couples in the house. That is what has forced them to start behaving like a romantic couple even though they are not actively homosexual. Actively homosocial, yes, but not, as of yet, putting the poles in each other's holes. They've even noticed that, on the unrare occasions when they do bring girls back to the house, the smush room is occupied. This thing was created to facilitate randomly hooking up with people who don't live in the house, but is now taken up by the likes of JWOWW and Roger, the mayor of Seaside Heights; Sammi and Ronnie; and Snooki and Jionni.
In fact JWOWW is planning on celebrating her one year anniversary with Roger in the smush room. But before she can put on her classic patented JWOWW Titsling (inventor and kraut) and scatter the room with rose petals and bondage gear (see, I've been telling you all along Mayor Roger is into some serious BDSM mind games) Vinny and DJ Paulie Disruption pull a prank.
As we've learned time and time again, the guido's bed is the window to his (or her) soul. However they all share an essential animus that is collected in the smush room bed. Vinny and DJ Paulie Debilitate decide that they're going to take that soul out of the smush room, thereby breaking up the couple's haven that is preventing them from getting laid.
The problem is, the couples want to have it their way, and as quickly as the bed is pulled out, JWOWW pulls it back in and couplifies it with her rose petals and clone-a-willy kit (so she'll have something to keep her occupied while Mayor Roger is hard at work on his reelection campaign).
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Part of Deena's problem with the couples' dominance of the house is that she badly wants to be in a couple herself. Ideally, she'd like to be drunkenly making out with Snooki the whole time. Didn't you see the "I [Heart Sign] Girls" T-shirt she wore with two girls making out on it? If you asked Deena she'd be like, "Oh, it's just a joke. I don't mean it. I love boys. I really do. Look at Joey." Yes, Deena is trying to throw herself into a couple to be more like the women in the house, either in an attempt to make the housemates think she isn't a lesbian or to get closer to the women so that they'll feel comfortable making out with her.
The problem with Joey, Deena's intended target, is that he is not at all interested in hanging out with her. He calls her and sets up tentative dates at the club, but he's acting more like a friend or someone who signed a waiver to have his face on television so he feels like he should make the most of it and get the screen time while he can. Joey is not at all interested in hooking up with Deena, who seems completely oblivious to this fact because she filled her basket only with his eggs.
It's sweet that her housemates have Deena's best interests at heart, but when they fill her head with their assumptions that Joey isn't interested, she brings it up to him repeatedly at Karma, and annoys him so much that he completely disses her and goes back to his girlfriend talking about how crazy Deena is. Oh, Joey, you damn bastard. You probably didn't even know the cameras saw you put your arm around that girl. Now you are a busted villain and everyone knows. Hope that girl wants to be with you forever.
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The Situation is also in a couple, but it is with the only person he loves: himself. Because he has to be alone, and likes it that way, he continues on his devious plan to break up Snooki and Jionni. At this point The Situation looks more like Gargamel than ever. He's just a big old meanie with a balding head and bulbous nose who is constantly trying out some insane plot in order to obtain his objective, but his objective, like catching a Smurf, is totally silly. Even sillier, however, is that he can't achieve even the simple goal of luring one tiny little girl who is an unnatural color into a trap. Each time it just devolves into comic ineptitude.
The plot goes something like this: The Situation is going to tell Snooki's boyfriend Jionni that he hooked up with Snooki. He's going to have The Unit there to confirm that the hookup took place. Apparently when a guy tells you something that may or may not be true and that he won't necessarily want to believe, having the guy's best friend there to clarify the story is going to help. Can you get behind this warped logic? You shouldn't because it makes no sense. Of course The Unit will say whatever Sitch says is true. I wouldn't believe either of them. I wouldn't believe Sitch if the ghosts of Ghandi, Mother Teresa, and another famous person who worked in India were there to vouch for him.
Sitch finds out that Jionni is going to be at Karma with his whole family (this is a strange guido tradition we've never seen before) so Sitch calls the Unit so they can have a confrontation in public. When Snooki sees Sitch and Unit sniggering and sneering like Snidely Whiplash and his dog Muttley she knows something is up and blows off Jionni's family so they can get out of the club.
After their escape, Sitch decides he's going to take the fight back to the house. However, The Unit is incredibly inebriated (or conked out on other substances) and isn't even making sense as Sitch walks him back to the house explaining his plot for Snooki domination like a real cartoon villain so that the audience at home knows exactly what he has planned. The Unit does nothing but nod and pass out on his feet so when they pass a cadre of cops, they pick The Unit up for public drunkenness or something else.
Of course the plan is ruined because Sitch doesn't have the Unit there to back up his truth and he goes home saddened, not that his friend is in jail, but that he once again got out-smurfed by the smurf and her smurfy smurf.
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Speaking of strange creatures, we had a reemergence of that creature known as Trash Bags last night. When the guidos traveled out of the Guido Triangle made by Karma, Bamboo, Aztec, and the Beachcomber (yes, a guido triangle has four sides) and went to Janks, they ran into their former roommate who once went by the name Angelina before her great public humiliation.
Ew, gross. There is nothing more despicable than Trash Bags. But this proves something very essential about guido sociology. Even if someone is kicked out of a tribe, it doesn't mean that he or she is kicked out of the race altogether. It looks like Trash Bags has found another tribe to embrace her, one that runs parallel to the guidos we follow, but not necessarily with them. To continue with the geometry metaphors, they're like two sides of a parallelogram, which will never meet except when another line bisects the both of them.
Oh how sad Trash Bags was that night, though. The Jersey Shore would never be the same for her now that her initial clan has rejected her. It's so hard for her, to see their antics followed around by the warm embracing glow of the spot light, while she is at the same clubs, doing the same things, throwing herself at boys and looking for any bit of meaning her outlandish behavior. But she ruined it. It's gone for her. She will never feel that terrifying and intoxicating illumination again, except when it scans by her as one of her former housemates rushes past her, barely even bothering to stop.
She'll go home at night, remembering that little bit of warmth, that passing ember. She'll take out her extensions and hang up her booty shorts. She'll crawl into bed alone without the soft billowing buzz of the night-vision camera capturing her slumber. She's just alone, in the dark. Just another girl at the shore. Just another girl who had it all once and lost it. Just another girl who would never get out, who would be cramming into crowded share houses for the rest of her life. Just another girl, staining her pillow with tears.