12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy

Dusty cavern of the perpetually knitting and crafting, Etsy is full of quirky potholders, dream catchers, homemade cat jewelery, and dick stuff. Yeah, dick stuff. Surprisingly (not that surprisingly), Etsy peddles a number of crocheted, Mod Podged, and beaded phallic goods.

Here are 12 unique gifts you can find within the treasure trove:

  • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Vintage Floral Brooch."
    Who it's for: Your zany art teacher. Though she probably never wears it, and certainly never around the kinder, you bet she got a "hoot" out of it when her doula gave it to her commemorate the first full moon after she entered menopause. Or, according to the way it's advertised, anyone too old to shop at Pac Sun and/or Quicksilver will also appreciate its' quiet beauty.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy "Lemon Floral Penis Headband."
      Who it's for: Party favors at your distant cousin's bachelorette party. She is having a Green Wedding and has requested that all gifts be local and handmade. Alternately, it's great for your little sister who will then innocently wear it in her fourth grade class pictures, where it will be immortalized atop her fair head forever.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy "Baculums (Penis) For Native American Jewelery."
      Who it's for: Your Aunt Diane.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Penis Slipper."
      Who it's for: The Cool Mom divorcee. The gals at work gave these to her for her 46th birthday. They pair nicely with pink velour sweatpants, froyo, and desperation.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Reticulating Penis Charm Pendant."
      Who it's for: No one. An elderly person will fish this out of the bottom of a 99 cents bin at a thrift store and use it unknowingly until it is discovered by an appalled relative.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Mr. Willy Pilly Car Penis Pillow with fur."
      Who it's for: A wise-cracking Dad. He will drive around with this in the back of his mini-van, pointing it out to his kids' friends with a "hard day?" joke, each and every time they buckle up.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Giant Penis Sculpture."
      Who it's for: A homeopathic fertility center. It is placed in the center of a group chant session, though only on specific days during the moon's cycle so as not to offend mother Gaia.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Penis Puppet-Elephant."
      Who it's for:Your best friend's first child. Expect eye rolling out of the mother, and lots of iPhone pics of the baby gumming the puppet into oblivion.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Vintage Mexican Ceramic Clay Penis Flute."
      Who it's for: I actually tried to bring several of these back from Colombia one time. Security was convinced they were filled with coke, and alas, with security they stayed.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Cat Toy Penis."
      Who it's for: Your cat.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy"Penis Earrings."
      Who it's for:Your clueless and terrible mother-in-law. She won't suspect a thing except that they go wonderfully with her collections of spring sweaters.
    • 12 Handcrafted Penis Gifts You Can Find On Etsy "Penis Lip Balm Cozy."
      Who it's for: Anyone you know who skis/snowboards/shreds it up out there on the mountain.