Alleged Train Wanker Gets Off On Best Defense Ever

In an important decision that will have a drastic impact on court cases for years to come, a man accused of fondling himself on the train in England has been found not guilty after he told the court he was merely strumming a pretend banjo.

A blonde commuter on the 7.08 Basingstoke to Reading service had said she looked over to see the paper jumping up and down on Melvyn Webb's lap while he pulled a face and breathed heavily.

But Mr Webb, 54, claimed he was just picking out the notes on a pretend banjo and was adjusting his underpants because his groin was sore.

Judge Mr Recorder Jeremy Donne, QC made reference to a 2007 BBC TV documentary called Street Doctor which showed men scratching their groin in public and said that the act was commonplace

I'm quite sure that strumming the banjo is already a euphemism for masturbating. Nonetheless, Webb also submitted videos of himself playing the banjo and mentioned that he had a lower respiratory tract infection to explain the heavy breathing. He was found not guilty of outraging public decency. This is going to make for one hell of a Law and Order SVU episode.

If you're worried there might be a potential masturbator on your train, please consult this handy guide I just found on something called Christ Wire.

[article via The Mirror, pic via Shutterstock]