A Simple Guide to Fake MeatS

Americans are eating less meat—12% less than five years ago. That's good news. Not only for sweet Bessie The Cow, whose mama will not be killed (quite so soon) by a bolt gun shot to the skull, but also for you, the intrepid herbivoracious culinary explorer.

Less real meat means more fake meat, because god forbid we not, at the very least, fool our insatiable taste buds into believing that they are masticating animal flesh on a daily basis. But all those fake meat things are weird. How do you know what to try? Easy: we will tell you. No further guidelines are necessary.

FAKE MEATS YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY ENJOY EATING

  • Fake chicken: This is the best kind of fake meat, hands down. I guess it has something to do with how whatever they use to make fake meat bears a resemblance to the consistency of chicken. Only scientists know for sure. If you stop eating chicken for a couple years, you will find yourself saying "This 'Chik'n' nugget tastes literally exactly like chicken, you guys." You won't be quite right, but you won't be too far off, particularly if it's soaked in enough hot sauce.
  • Fake burgers: Boca Burgers and other imitation hamburgers are very edible, even delicious. I think probably because hamburger has kind of a ground-up consistency, which can be duplicated by whatever they put in the fake ones? Veggie burgers which do not purport to recreate the taste of hamburgers, like black bean burgers or masala burgers or other things like that, are also very good, but aren't really fake meat. Anyhow: fake burger with cheese and onions and lettuce and tomato and pickles and ketchup and mustard is very burger-like.
  • Fake sausage: This stuff is pretty good, probably because of all the spices and whatnot. Who knows.
Other types of fake meat should be avoided.

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