If you have kids of your own, you know how insane it is when some famous idiot like Angelina Jolie is talking to a magazine and is like, "Oh, we all hang out at home together and watch movies in bed!" Of course you do. I'm sure flying to Cambodia to shoot ludicrous Louis Vuitton ads only takes five minutes out of your day. The rest is all dedicated to you and your 12,000 little ones.
Celebrities make for shitty parents for two obvious reasons. One: To be famous, you have to have an extreme need to be the center of attention, often at the expense of your loved ones. Two: You have no routine. Actors are contract workers. If they're working on some movie, they have to go away for weeks at a time and work 18 hours a day in various locations. Even if they bring a child with them, it completely bones the kid because children desperately need structure and routine. They need set bed times. They need set meal times. They need familiar environments. Celebrity parents provide none of those things, even the supposedly normal ones. Remember: Tom Hanks spawned Chet Haze. You can't go only by appearances.
So consider this a little thought experiment. Let's say you're going to jail for five years. You assaulted a hot dog vendor or something, because you're a dick. And you have to choose one celebrity (and their significant other) to raise your kid. Who do you pick? I considered the following seven people. I chose them based upon the following crucial factors:
- 1. They must be intelligent, or at least seemingly intelligent.
- 2. They cannot be married to another famous person. Like Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban? Fuck that. I'm not leaving my kids with those two loony toons. This disqualifies Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen, which is too bad. Because they seem like nice people. Then again, the whole blackface thing.
- 3. They must be currently married and never divorced. If that makes me conservative, so be it. Gotta have that stable family element. This discounts Louis CK, which sucks.
- 4. They must have a relatively sane working and travel schedule.
- 5. It would help if they didn't live anywhere near LA, so that your kids don't turn into Willow Smith and are like, "Well, I'm gonna do a little bit of acting, a little bit of singing, maybe have my own clothing line." SHUT UP. I HATE YOU.
With all those factors in mind, I present the following list:
1. Matt Damon
Also, while I know Affleck seems to have a stable marriage, that shit can blow at ANY time. Remember, that guy took time out during The Town to get B-roll of himself doing dips and pull-ups. I'm not sold on Ben Affleck: Super-parent.
2. Matthew McConaughey
3. Dave Grohl
4. Neil Patrick Harris
5. Meryl Streep
6. Jeff Bridges
7. Drew Brees
Top image by Jim Cooke, photos via Blaj Gabriel and Jose AS Reyes/Shutterstock</a>.