Samantha Brick, the Daily Mail's troll of the moment, has published some 1,500 words about the advantages (free champagne, free train tickets, free bunches of flowers, more free champagne, free things in general) and perils (jealousy, bitches, bitches being jealous, jealous bitches in general) of being a beautiful woman.
"While I'm no Elle Macpherson, I'm tall, slim, blonde and, so I'm often told, a good-looking woman," Brick writes in "Why women hate me for being beautiful." "I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks."
In other words, bitches need to stop getting jealous.
The Mail went ahead and provided seven photos for readers to judge whether or not Brick is pretty. It's not going very well, and that was probably the Mail's goal. We'll leave the judgment to you, you jealous vulture bitches, but we've gone ahead and pulled some of the choicest quotes from the freshest troll of the day:
- "Throughout my adult life, I've regularly had bottles of bubbly or wine sent to my restaurant table by men I don't know."
- "Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when I try to settle my bill."
- "I'm not smug and I'm no flirt, yet over the years I've been dropped by countless friends who felt threatened if I was merely in the presence of their other halves."
- "And it is not just jealous wives who have frozen me out of their lives. Insecure female bosses have also barred me from promotions at work."
- "And most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid."
- "It seems the only crime I've committed is not leaving the house with a bag over my head."
- "I find that older women are the most hostile to beautiful women — perhaps because they feel their own bloom fading."
- "Another woman I barely knew pushed me out of the way, shouting it wasn't fair on all the other women if I was dominating the snap. I was devastated and burst into tears."
- "So now I'm 41 and probably one of very few women entering her fifth decade welcoming the decline of my looks. I can't wait for the wrinkles and the grey hair that will help me blend into the background."
Because then there will be fewer jealous bitches. (But also less champagne.)