Ranch Dressing Is America's Only Condiment

Unwrap your lips from your processed Cheez-Delivery Snack'm Tube-Brand Corn Snaxxx and pay attention, America. This is important. Sure, you've been doing your best to consume your annual 137-gallon allotment of high fructose corn syrup, and your 92 pounds of Cheez annually. But do your standard condiments contain a sufficient amount of saturated fat and artificial flavors? Or could you be doing more?

Here's one easy, patriotic thing you can do to contribute to America's War on Health: instead of using plain old ketchup (zero fat) on your burgers, hot dogs, fries, popcorn, ice cream, and waffles, why not use Ranch dressing instead? There's no easier way to add thousands of calories of pure fat to your diet every day, with no added vitamins, while successfully causing the rest of the world to wretch in disgust at our collective resignation to a life of riding motorized scooters through the grocery store. The WSJ's Sarah Nassauer, who should be nominated for the a Pulitzer in the "Investigative Coverage of Our Gaping Maws" category, reports:

A new thicker, creamier version of its famous Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing has arrived in a bid to get people to use ranch like they do ketchup.

The company isn't making subtle comparisons. "The New 'Ketchup'" proclaims the label. It is affixed to a "retro-style" ketchup bottle to signal, "hey, this is ketchup," says Jon Balousek, vice president and general manager for the food, charcoal and cat-litter businesses at Clorox Co., which owns Hidden Valley.

"The idea hit when an executive watched his college-age daughter 'bath her entire salmon in ranch dressing,'" continues the story, creating the sort of noble creation myth that will doubtless be passed down for generations to come in our elementary school condiment classes. That college-age daughter's name: The Statue of Liberty.

[WSJ. Photo via FB]