The Most and Least Awesome Jobs in America, 2012

Only fools take career advice from a website, other than this website. If you glanced at the new alleged listing of the Best and Worst Jobs from CareerCast.com today, this is what you would be asked to believe:

The BEST jobs are Software Engineer, Actuary, HR Manager, Dental Hygienest, and Financial Planner. The WORST jobs are Lumberjack, Dairy Farmer, Soldier, Oil Rig Worker, and Reporter.

You must be fucking kidding me (except for Reporter).

This is what happens when nerds are allowed to write and publish things. They attempt to convince others that quite literally the world's most boring collection of jobs are in some way the "best," just because they involve scant chance of death by gruesome industrial accident or AK-47 fire. That is just wrong. A job is not "best" because it is boring, stable, and lulls you into a lifelong state of waking slumber. It is "best" because—and this is somewhat of a generalization—you get to break things. With that in mind, allow us to prevent a brief counterpoint.

THE LEAST AWESOME JOBS IN AMERICA, 2012

5. Software Engineer: Go back to nerd school with your computer valise and play Mario Kart on your calculator as you write long strings of numbers in robot pencil, nerd.

4. Actuary: Hey I bet you're having a lot of fun staring at that calculator all day thinking about death, huh? Not.

3. HR Manager: Here's what I'd like to be doing, sitting in a glorified cubicle that I call an "office" because I scotch-taped Saran Wrap around it on all sides, listening to people in my same boring office complaining about how the medical plan doesn't pay enough money for their new glasses frames. Sounds like a dream job to me, yeah. I'm being sarcastic.

2. Dental Hygienist: Why become a highly paid dentist when you could become a lowly-paid dentist's assistant who still has to poke around in mouths all day, but for far less money? You're dumb.

1. Listicle Writer: The slow, inexorable death of your soul is the worst part.

THE MOST AWESOME JOBS IN AMERICA, 2012

5. Bouncer at a Really High End Strip Club and You're Really Big and Strong but the Customers Aren't: Get your hands off her, buddy. You're out of here. Don't worry babe, just doing my job.

4. Guy at the Glass Recycling Place Who Smashes All the Windows: Pass me the bat. These windows aren't just going to smash themselves.

3. Unsafe Welder: Anybody can weld some thing in an engine or whatever. But who do you call when you need somebody to hang upside down off a ledge and weld that metal sculpture of Godzilla to the side of a skyscraper so it looks like Godzilla is climbing the skyscraper? Unsafe Welder, that's who.

2. Knife Collector Security Guard at the Entrance to the International Knife Expo: Nope, you can't bring in that knife. I'm serious. I know, I don't make the rules, sorry. Gotta confiscate it. That knife is mine now. What a beaut.

1. IceCreamFireSexPerson: You like eating ice cream? Well you'll like it even better after you set it on fire, then have sex on top of it. It's a living.

[Photo: Thomas Hawk/ Flickr]