A Philadelphia man arrested Friday after police found marijuana in his car gave cops an even bigger surprise when they discovered a gigantic bag of drugs tied to his penis. And then he gave them a third, even bigger surprise.
Here's how things went down:
A police officer arresting Ray Woods for marijuana possession (he had initially been pulled over for a broken tail light), noticed "a large bulge" down the front of suspect's pants as he loaded him into his cruiser.
"He stopped him for the traffic violation and one thing led to another," Police Corporal Christopher Eiserman, a graduate of the Tobias Fünke School of Public Speaking, told a Philadelphia Daily News blog.
But the situation never devolved into the freak-nasty porno that vague sentence might imply.
Back at the station, police discovered that Woods had tied a large plastic bag, containing a whopping 89 smaller bags of heroin and cocaine, around his penis.
When Corporal Eiserman attempted to relieve the suspect of his burden, Woods freaked and started to relieve himself all over the officer's hands.
"I tried to remove it. Unfortunately, and I don't know if it was nervousness or not, but he started urinating all over."
Eiserman gave Woods the benefit of the doubt, saying that he did probably not intentionally pee on a police officer (though he doesn't look too bothered in his mugshot). The incident did not result in additional charges.
The real takeaway here is that a plastic bag around your genitals is not the safe haven for drugs you might have thought it was.
"In 14 years, I've seen it down their pants, in their a—, but I've never seen it tied to their penis. I couldn't believe it. I guess they figure the police officers aren't going to check down in that area."
Time to find a new hiding place.