Reports of Michael Blanchard's death may not have been exaggerated, but his obit might be a tad over the top.
Blanchard — better known as "Flathead" — was born in July 1944 to unassuming Coloradan couple Clyde and Ethel Blanchard. A lifetime later, Blanchard passed away leaving behind a son, an ex-wife, a brother, two sets of uncles and aunts, an untold number of cousins and nephews, a cat named Chopper, and by far the most badass obituary you will read today.
From Thursday's Denver Post:
A Celebration of the life of Michael "Flathead" Blanchard will be held on April 14th, 3 pm 8160 Rosemary St, Commerce City. Weary of reading obituaries noting someone's courageous battle with death, Mike wanted it known that he died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to follow doctors' orders and raising hell for more than six decades. He enjoyed booze, guns, cars and younger women until the day he died. [...]
So many of his childhood friends that weren't killed in Vietnam went on to become criminals, prostitutes and/or Democrats. He asks that you stop by and re-tell the stories he can no longer tell. As the Celebration will contain Adult material we respectfully ask that no children under 18 attend.
Though Blanchard died nearly a year ago from colon cancer, his family waited until now to hold a memorial and publish his obit, most of which he wrote himself.