'Small Girl Big Mouth': A Girls RecapS

Today is Ian MacKaye's 50th birthday so I guess it's as good a time as any to realize you hate young people. Girls is a television program about the children of wealthy famous people and shitty music and Facebook and how hard it is to know who you are and Thought Catalog and sexually transmitted diseases and the exhaustion of ceaselessly dramatizing your own life while posing as someone who understands the fundamental emptiness and narcissism of that very self-dramatization. This is a recap of it.

There is only one take on Girls that matters, and that is Kenny Powers'. A pointed critique of the show was embedded in Eastbound & Down's season finale last night, when Powers burst into his college-age girlfriend's class to dump her in front of her classmates:

I know a lot of you guys are looking at me and saying, "Hey, there's a dude who is exactly my same age." But truth be told, I'm a grown-up real person. Sure, your bodies might be tight, and you might like to have sex in amazing, cool, intricate positions. But besides that shit, y'all don't have a fucking clue. The shit you all are doing—the fucking Facebook shit, the internets, the fucking DVDs—that's all bullshit. Your shit isn't real. But from where I'm standing, a full-grown man who has achieved his dreams—yeah that's right, I'm going back to the majors—my shit is about as real as it gets. Besides, I can out-party, out-drink, and out-fuck each of you. Youth can suck my dick. So unless you have anything to add, I consider this relationship over. Have a nice life. I'll never for get you, and I know you'll never forget me. Cause I popped that cherry.

Laurie Simmons' daughter is a 24-year-old intern at a publishing house or literary agency or somesuch. She is writing a memoir but is also aware of the silliness of a 24-year-old writing a memoir, because she is just that self-aware. Her parents give her money. Over dinner on a visit to New York, where Laurie Simmons' daughter lives, they tell her they are going to stop giving her money. A crisis is introduced.

What is Laurie Simmons' daughter to do? People need money. Laurie Simmons' daughter's best friend is Brian Williams' daughter. She is uptight, pretty, straight-laced, and has a boyfriend who's just too nice and loving. She wears a retainer when she sleeps, symbolically. Laurie Simmons' daughter says Brian Williams' daughter's boyfriend "has a vagina," a notion that isn't at all hackneyed and retrograde when it's uttered by a self-aware 24-year-old girl who has tattoos of illustrations from children's books all over her body.

Brian Williams' daughter thinks Laurie Simmons' daughter should just buckle down and get a job, responsibly. The program heavily foreshadows the likelihood that Brian Williams' daughter will learn an important lesson about uptightness when she finds the right guy to fuck her the right way, a not at all hackneyed and retrograde notion when promulgated by a self-aware writer who has tattoos of illustrations from children's books all over her body.

That fucking MGMT song is playing.

Laurie Simmons' daughter's other best friend is The Drummer From Bad Company's daughter. The Drummer From Bad Company's daughter is a globe-trotting free spirit who got pregnant by some surfer and wears flowing dresses (batik?). She just blew into town from France.

The Drummer from Bad Company's daughter is staying with David Mamet's daughter, a comically overbroad character imported (knowingly? ironically?) from another sitcom. She loves Sex and the City (GET IT?) and wears pink Juicy Couture-style outfits. Is her father proud of her?

Everyone's sentences begin with "OK" or "Yeah, so" or "Yo, hey. Yeah, no."

Laurie Simmons' daughter goes to her boss at the publishing house or literary agency and explains that she needs money. He fires her. She goes to meet a guy she sleeps with, a hunky shirtless abusive woodworking actor who hates his parents. He tries to insert his penis into her rectum. She objects. He inserts his penis into her vagina. She talks about how it's getting dark later. He asks her to stop talking.

Facebook texting Twitter Gchat Gchat Gchat smart phones.

The Drummer from Bad Company's daughter thinks Laurie Simmons' daughter should just go back to her parents and explain to them that she is an artist. She fights with Brian Williams' daughter: "You can't just mother her like this." Brian Williams' daughter and the Drummer from Bad Company's daughter have a heart to heart while the Drummer from Bad Company's daughter is on the toilet (shitting?).

Yo hey. Yeah no.

YES OF COURSE THERE'S A FUCKING FEIST SONG.

Brian Williams' daughter throws a dinner party, like a grown-up. Someone brings opium tea. The guy who brought the opium tea listens to Laurie Simmons' daughter complaining about not having a job and says, "I'm sorry but watching this is like watching Clueless," which is a thing someone must have actually said to Judd Apatow at some point.

Laurie Simmons' daughter thinks she's high on opium tea but can you really get high on opium tea? She confronts her parents at their hotel room, making them read her book and demanding $1,100 per month for two years while she finishes it. THE BOOK IS THE TELEVISION SHOW, RIGHT? Laurie Simmons' daughter's mother tells her, "Why don't you get a job and start a blog? You are so spoiled!"

Laurie Simmons' daughter passes out from the opium tea. When she wakes up in the hotel room, her parents are gone. She tries to order room service but they've closed out the room. On the way out, she steals the tip her parents left for the maid.

She walks out of the hotel into the New York morning. A song by Paul Simon's son is playing. A magical jolly homeless black man stops her on the street to say, "Why don't you smile? Does your heart hurt? Oh girl when I look at you I just want to say Hello New York!" This magical jolly homeless black man will appear at the end of every episode, saying something wise and innocent. It will be like a tag. Skrillex.

Watch this space for next week's recap of Girls.