In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: girl stuff. Dig it.
This one's for the fellaz.
Fellaz. I know "how it is." I know all about you. You are very simple. Either you are wanting to be "ripped" and go on the beach and flex and impress girls, or you are wanting to be a "badass" and be strong to impress girls, or you are a lazy slob who is too lazy to get "ripped" or strong but still idly wish that you were, so that you could impress girls. [Gay men, please adjust the nouns as necessary.] You may be some dumbass type of roiding Chad who's too dumb to even know you're dumb and can only talk about the Mets and probably goes to my gym even though I wish you didn't, or you may be a "sensitive type" who's all about equality because you've found that that line can get you laid a lot and you just like to get that "toned" look and blah blah blah, you're probably in a "Road Runners" club or some shit, or you may just wish you were i one of the above categories, because you're afraid to embrace your inner hardcoreness. (You say you don't fit this limited profile? I say you're in denial. Let's move on.)
Either way, all you fellaz have one thing in common: deep down, in your heart of hearts (your dick), you think that you are stronger than girls. That you are more hardcore than girls. That, if it came right down to it, and not that you ever would consider doing it, but hypothetically speaking, you could totally body-slam pretty much any girl, if necessary.
Not so, fellaz.
I'm not going to go on some "politically correct" kick here. I'm not going to be all, "My favorite authors are Jhumpa Lahiri and Lena Dunham and I believe that women can do anything a man can do," as I absentmindedly brush my limp fingers through my Jonathan Livingston Seagull haircut and adjust my cardigan. That's not my style. That's not what's going on here. This is no kind of "everyone file in and open up your training handbook for the Workplace Sexual Harassment Seminar" type of thing here. This is not obligatory. I'm just telling you a straight up down-to-the-dirt cold hard fact that you can take home and treasure and turn over in your mind while you are being lazy there, on the couch: some girls are far more badass than you.
Not on a sliding scale. Not in a relative manner. In an absolute head to head competition, there are girls out there who will destroy you, Chad. What do you weigh? 165? A 165-pound woman has squatted 440 pounds. Can you do that? I didn't think so. A 148-pound woman has deadlifted 510 pounds. These women were not born with testicles to excrete large amounts of testosterone to help them build larger muscles, like you were, yet they are still much stronger than you. Women's boxing is an Olympic sport this year. Do you know how many of the women on the U.S. Women's Boxing Team could beat you, a strong man, in a boxing match? All of them bro. I will go even further: the average no-name female amateur boxer at your local boxing gym could bust your whole face in a fistfight and when people were like "What happened to your fucking face Chad?" you'd have to tell them some girl busted your face, no homo.
We're not talking about some willowy girl who can prance better than you, or do that thing where they do gymnastics while waving ribbons better than you. And we're not talking about the ol' "Of course women are more badass than fellaz, we have babies" thing. (Yeah right ladies, why don't you just prove it then, why don't you just take off your clothes and show me how you make babies, right now, if you're so good at it, haha? Haha, just kidding, unless you were going to. Were you going to? No, good, me neither, that's good, because I was kidding.) We're not talking about anything that can be dismissed so easily as that. We're talking about girls who are your same size and they don't even have your natural biological advantages but they can still straight up lift more weight than you and beat you up and don't even get us started on those crazy Crossfit girls overhead-squatting their own body weight for 15 reps. So what's your excuse? I know you cannot do that shit, man. At a certain point, fellaz, you have to just sit back and drop your pretenses and drop your hand from your nutsack and be like, "Whoa."
This is how sexism will finally be conquered: not through legislation, but through girls who totally embarrass you in terms of applied core strength. Fellaz: go out there, work a little harder, and develop a new respect for women. And all you ladies out there who are models of hardcore: stop that shit. You're embarrassing us.