Where is the G-spot? No one seems to know for sure, except for a gynecologist named Adam Ostrzenski, who examined a dead lady's vagina and found "grape-like clusters of erectile tissue" in a one-centimeter sac in between the fifth and the sixth layers of the dead lady's vaginal wall. This grape-like formation, Ostrzenski says, is the G-spot.
This is a very exciting (and probably bullshit) breakthrough for mankind's eternal search for "the spot," but it ignores an entire subsection of G-spot study that has heretofore gone ignored in G-spot conversations: Where is the G-spot according to that deceased slow jam singer you never knew the name of?
Below, we've assembled some of music's most specific directions to and descriptions of the G-spot, as well as the occasional female take on the matter. (We are, after all, the ones who have them.) The key to talking about the G-spot location, it seems, is vague language, carefully placed moans, and allusions to teamwork. We're all in this search together, even if we're not really sure what we're looking for.
"G-Spot," by Gerald Levert
Sample lyrics: Welcome to my lair (lair, lair, lair), this is where we play, girl
It's on baby, promise you we won't stop, no
'Til you know your G-spot
It ain't nothing but love for you baby
My lair, this is where we play baby,
It's my playground, we'll be getting down
The takeaway: The best place to find your G-spot is in the late Gerald Levert's "lair," where persistent effort and playtime equals results. And the G-spot, according to Levert, is something that a woman should come to know—like twins separated at birth—so long as a mediator can help her get to know the spot. "Oooooooooooooooooooooo, oh baby, oh baby, oh baby, oh baby, oooooooo," Levert sings later, "I aint gonna stop girl 'til you're there." In his lair. Just give Gerald some time.
Has Levert found Ostrzenski's G-spot?: "Nobody believed it could be identified," Ostrzenski said this week. "I was a skeptic myself. But I said, ‘I know this is going to be the location.'" Levert is also in for the long haul: a "bubble bath, candles everywhere," and "a sip of this red wine," and you'll start to believe, too.
"G-Spot," by Wayne Marshall
Sample lyrics: For ecstasy, we don't have to go to far, where ever she is, my baby,
I'm sure that we can find her in the dark, just hold back, relax babe,
you ready for humping, and if ecstasy is waiting, baby I'm comin', comin'
When you say "ooh, aah" when I hit your G-spot, baby,
I wanna hear you moan and groan with delight
The takeaway: The G-spot is not far, and it is even locatable in the dark. This is promising! You do not need electricity, or even a lot of reach, to locate a G-spot. Also, some men like to personify the G-spot, as if she is another human in the room, which is kind of touching in its earnestness and kind of weird in the fact that "she" might actually be referring to a one-centimeter sac full of tissue.
Marshall is also confident enough to claim, later in the song, that he is capable of hitting "your G" not once, but twice. "When I hit your G, you'll be comin' over me," he sings. "When I hit your G again, you will tell all of your friends." Are you getting this? When Wayne Marshall hits your G, you're going to say "ooh, aah," and when Wayne Marshall hits your G again, you're going to run and tell all of your friends: "Wayne Marshall just hit my G twice," you'll say. Plan accordingly.
Has Marshall found Ostrzenski's G-spot?: The Toronto Star reports that Ostrzenski's discovery took "seven hours of careful work," and he found the spot "under five layers" of tissue and muscle, "16.5 millimetres from the upper part of urethra": "It was in an area not usually accessed during gynecological surgery — one reason no one discovered it before, he said." Sorry, Wayne Marshall, but you're going to need light for this.
"G-Spot," by Daz Dillinger
Sample lyrics: Tell me homegirl what I'm supposed to do/She getting wet, her G-spot's getting wetter than you
And the hook: Hit my G-spot, hit my, hit my G-spot
You know you want it, don't try to fight it
Just come and get it, I know you like it
The takeaway: Dillinger's lyrics speak very closely to the misconception, as cited in the L.A. Times yesterday, that a woman's sexuality is something like an "on-off switch." Plenty of research suggests that in fact, there is no perfect "spot" that triggers sexual pleasure. And if there is, it might be different for every woman. So can you really "just come and get it"? I wonder, Daz.
Has Dillinger found Ostrzenski's G-spot?: If the spot is actually a specific sac, then I suppose it can be "hit." Ostrzenski's research does not yet suggest that the spot can get "wetter" than other spots.
"Spot Right There," by The New Boyz ft. Teairra Mari
Sample lyrics: Girl I'm a beast and I have more I'm energetic and amazin'
When I'm in there she be shakin'
It's like makin love to Haiti
The hook: You know you're hitting my spot right there
Baby right there
Oh boy you hitting my spot right there
The takeaway: I don't want to come right out and call this the definitive guide to the G-spot, but at least we've got directives, ladies. "You know you're hitting my spot right there," Mari sings, "right there, baby right there." Oh, there it is. I get it now. Also, women are like Haiti.
Have the New Boyz found Ostrzenski's G-spot?: Since Ostrzenski was probing the G-spot of a dead 83-year-old, it's impossible to know how a woman might verbally react to stimulation of the "bluish grapelike compositions." Would she say "Baby right there" and "Ooo, ooo"? Ostrzenski's not sure: "Indeed, the subject was not in the position to communicate," he explained, because the subject was a cadaver. The New Boyz and Mari could have something here.
"G-Spot" by Phil Blount feat. Rah Digga
[There was a video here]
Sample lyrics: From Phil: Shorty heard my tongue game crazy, so I threw her on the ice box baby
(Yea right there daddy, that's my G-spot)
Shorty love it when I be beatin' it up, but when I throw it on the ice box eatin' it up she like
From Rah: Please, I'm a G, I'm a G
Wanna find that spot, boy, let's see
Gonna take a lot more than a martini
I ain't no BB bitch, this ain't no R&B
The takeaway: Strong evidence that the G-spot is better located when the G-spot receptacle is seated on an ice box. This has not yet been introduced to Ostrzenski's study. (He also hasn't yet proven that the one-centimeter sac contains nerves, so.) And finally, a woman's counterpoint, courtesy of the wonderful Rah Digga: This shit is not easy.
Has Phil Blount found Ostrzenski's G-spot?: Ostrzenski never mentioned ice boxes, but Ostrzenski hasn't really done much research at all yet, so I'm sure that will be the first order of business.
"G-Spot" by Jill Jones, written by Prince
[There was a video here]
Sample lyrics: "F" is for frustration
I'm looking for what isn't really there
"I" is instigation
I'm listening tp the voice beneath my hair
"N" is for the naked body
And for what my naked eye can see
Where, oh where can you be?
The takeaway: This is a concept song, performed by Jones and written by Prince. The concept, in practice, is that Jones spells the word "FINALLY" to note the moment at which her G-spot gets discovered, and she uses increasingly absurd signifiers for that purpose ("'A' is for America"). Her spelling project ends on "Y is for my yearnin'," and then the song climaxes and ends on a lengthy saxophone solo as Jones says "G-spot," and, "Yeah." This just might be the G-spot's musical ideal of the '80s.
Has Prince found Ostrzenski's G-spot?: In theory, the concept of Prince writing words for a woman to sing vaguely and kind of mindlessly about her own G-spot makes an interesting parallel to Ostrzenski telling the women of the world that G-spots are one-centimeter mystery sacs that can only be located in an 83-year-old woman's cadaver. "Where, oh where can you be?" Jones sings, and Prince dictates. "I'm looking for what isn't really there."
"We never said it was a distinct anatomical entity," Dr. Beverly Whipple, a sexuality researcher and founder of the G-spot term, told Science News this week. "It's a region that is highly sensitive ... a zone of great erotic complexity."
"The entire spot is very tiny," Ostrzenski said this week.
A tiny complexity. The search continues.