My War: A Girls Recap

The appropriate response to Girls, a television program about whiteness, Twitter, and the irreducible sexual magnetism of abusive men, is to drown your mobile phone in the bathtub. But you need to call your mother, and today is the 21st anniversary of Nirvana signing to Geffen, so here's a recap.

The only opinion on Episode Three of Girls that really matters is that of Henry Rollins, who wrote sang of the show in 1981:

Understand we're fighting a war we can't win
They hate us, we hate them
We can't win, no way

We open with Brian Williams' daughter talking to her boyfriend, who has shaved his head in solidarity with a co-worker suffering from cancer which is such a pussy move because this dude is just a pussy with a vagina just like a girl, Brian Williams' daughter telegraphs facially.

Laurie Simmons' daughter dresses up like an 11-year-old hooker to go have sex with her woodworking actor, who is ravenous and manly and has pectoral muscles.

The next morning, Laurie Simmons' daughter gets a call from her gynecologist informing her that, like 50% of sexually active adults, she has contracted genital human papillomavirus. She accuses the woodworking actor of giving it to her. "Hold your roll!" he says. She holds it.

Someone says, "Oh yeah, have fun. Go Tweet that."

Laurie Simmons' daughter calls Brian Williams' daughter to tell her the terrible news about contracting the most commonly sexually transmitted virus on the planet. "I kind of can't believe that I'm saying this, but I have HPV, so."

Brian Williams' daughter cries. What if Laurie Simmons' daughter becomes barren on account of having contracted the most commonly sexually transmitted virus on the planet? It's all so unfair that Laurie Simmons' daughter, of all people, would contract a disease that one out of every two sexually active human beings will contract at some point in their lives.

Meanwhile, the Drummer from Bad Company's daughter has a babysitting gig. She is looking after the daughters of a documentary filmmaker. They are named Beatrix and Lola. Lola has written a novel about poverty, death, and AA.

OK HERE WE GO KIDS.

Brian Williams' daughter goes to an art party. She meets an artist. His name is Boothe Jonathan. Boothe Jonathan is small and dresses like one of the Small Faces circa 1965. But he is a man! Brian Williams' daughter uptightly tells him not to smoke, because that's just how uptight she is. Boothe Jonathan says—and I want to be perfectly clear here that this is a direct and 100% accurate quote from the television program Girls on HBO—"I want you to know, the first time I fuck you, I might scare you a little, because I'm a man. And I know how to do things." Then Boothe Jonathan walks away. BOOM. Skrillex.

And this is the part where Brian Williams' daughter, a character in a "sly," "brave," and "radical" television program on HBO called Girls, slyly bravely radically runs to the nearest bathroom to fingerbang herself while grabbing her stomach and making a face like she has to poop. In the bathroom of an art party. Because some guy just told her that he was going to fuck her until it scared her. By us, for us.

So that's all you really need to know about Episode Three of Girls. There is an amusing scene where Laurie Simmons' daughter confronts her college boyfriend about giving her HPV, only to find out that he is gay, and goes through an increasingly humiliating and hostile debriefing about the truth of their relationship until he ends the conversation by saying "It was nice to see you. Your dad is gay." But then Laurie Simmons' daughter sits down to DRAMATICALLY WRITE SOMETHING ON TWITTER and dances to that fucking Robyn song by herself until a freshly self-fingerbanged Brian Williams' daughter comes home and they say "Yo girl!" to each other, urbanly, and dance together, just two girls making their way in the big city.

Watch this space for next week's recap of Girls.

Last week's Girls recap: 'I Don't Want A Baby That Looks Like That'

Image by Jim Cooke