Fucking Bon Iver

In the spirit of Fucking James Franco and Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling comes Bon Iver Erotic Stories. Entertainment Weekly brought this one to our attention, and yeah, it's actually kind of great, especially if you're a big fan of porn that makes you feel dead inside.

It's not really porn, in that there's no nudity or explicit sex acts described — it's more like something you'd half-assedly masturbate to while crying.

Last night we made love on a frozen pond. As we lay together afterward counting the stars, I began to shiver. Bon Iver pulled me close and said, ‘If I could crawl inside your heart and build a fire, would you let me?'

For best results, read that while listening to "Skinny Love" on repeat.

Honestly, these brief stories walk that line between genuinely appealing and completely insufferable, which I think reflects Bon Iver's Justin Vernon well. I mean, if someone sincerely quoted a Bon Iver song at you while making love, you'd be equal parts turned-on and grossed-out, right?

Here's another one for the road.

As we lay naked before the fireplace, I asked Bon Iver about his idea of earthly happiness. 'To live in contact with those I love, with the beauties of nature, with a quantity of flannel and climbing trees, and to have, within easy distance, a pond rich with trout.'

On the one hand, I'm over flannel. On the other hand, I love trout.

[Image via Alex Broadway/WENN.com]