The internet is a rough and tumble place. To survive here, you must be rough and tough, steady under fire, thick-skinned. That's why most bloggers are known to be dashing but intimidating "tough guy" types, menacing to dudes but irresistible to women. Sadly, not everyone is cut out for this harsh environment.
Just this morning, I got an email with the subject line, "You fucking suck" (Complete body text: "That's all"). Did I run off crying into the hems of my mother's skirt, wailing to passersby about how that's not fair? Sure, but for a relatively short amount of time. That's because I don't sweat it. Sadly, other types of people are not so copacetic. They get offended every time you call them stupid, worthless, jerks, or stupid worthless jerk. We may never know what their problem is. But we do know who they are.
What's their problem?: Blood-sucking; craven; heartless; widely despised; stuck in offices all day; wasted youth; stuck in a crumbling field.
Typical angry comment: "Honestly, what the fuck? Have you ever considered for a minute that the huge number of lawyers who've made huge sacrifices to become lawyers to try to make the world a better place have to deal with people perpetuating the myth that all lawyers are assholes?"
What should they do?: Get justice. For needy people. For innocent people. On death row. I'll set them free. Then they'll see! [Runs off sobbing]
What's their problem?: Crippling student debt; poor job prospects; underappreciated; nobody reads the stuff they write which genuinely breaks new intellectual ground whereas millions of people read a blog that writes about licking monkey butts.
Typical angry comment: "I'm really getting sick of Gawker's recent anti-academia bent. It's uninformed and kinda caveman-ish. This one is especially annoying because of the pretty direct implication that being a professor is not a 'real job'. I'm not entirely sure what that even means."
What should they do?: Get a real job.
3. White People Who Feel That You Are Insinuating They Are Somehow Racist
What's their problem?: Racist, but don't embrace it.
Typical angry comment: "Another 'gotcha' tag line that only works via the accepted racism against white people as a demographic. Troll harder gawker, this language would never work the other way around. Perhaps share the racial and sex data in regards basketball players?"
What should they do?: Embrace it.
4. Southern People
What's their problem?: Still angry about losing Civil War; still angry about Reconstruction; still angry about the civil rights era; still angry about the waitress at the new chain BBQ restaurant telling them Cheez is not a "condiment."
Typical angry comment: "its a good thing that it is still socially acceptable to stereotype people in the south. (because otherwise i would have to point out that Hamilton Nolan is a hypocritical ignorant and arrogant jackass.) are there any other exceptions? any other groups it is still okay to stereotype? or is it just white southerners?"
What should they do?: Get their shit together enough so that the kids who grow up there don't all want to run off to New York City and make a living making fun of The South.
What's their problem?: Can't believe some SKINNY FAGS on the INTERNET want to TALK SHIT. Come see me when you can do THIS, homo [flexes trapezius muscle until it swallows neck].
Typical angry comment: "HamNo doesn't know, because he doesn't have an exercise science background and just spouts off. He proved that with the post about bicep curls (weakness in the kinetic chain will lead to injuries or in other words not training your biceps will lead to muscle imbalances)..His 'advice' columns on exercise are just drivel. He doesn't know about proprioception, oxygen uptake, biomechanics, or anything else related to kinesiology."
What should they do?: Try lifting a weight some time, it might boost their self esteem.
[Photo: Olga/ Flickr]