Five Things That Need To Be Put Into Mainstream Ice Cream

You would think that we Americans have conceived of every possible ice cream flavor on Earth. The ice cream aisle at your local grocery store occupies 40 percent of the total floor space, and that's before you get to all the Turkey Hill shit at the end of the aisle that's on sale because no one wants it. Famous ice cream shops like The Ice Cream Store have come up with flavors like Bacon, Booger, Mountain Dew, Caramel Popcorn, Motor Oil (which really does taste like motor oil), White Wine, Sweet Corn, and more. And fancy pancy restaurants love to present you with all kinds of ice cream with crazy ingredients like fennel dust and foie gras and eye of newt and whatever the fuck else makes them sound innovative.

But we haven't exhausted the possibilities just yet. There's still plenty of shit that we can enrobe in frozen sugar cream to make ourselves even fatter and more repulsive than before, and I'd like to suggest a few of them:

1. Entenmann's Raspberry Danish Twist
This is that Entenmann's coffee cake that comes in a long box, and when you nuke it for eight seconds, it's basically as good as shooting up a thousand pounds of opium while staring at a thousand puppies frolicking in a field of a thousand daisies (NOTE: Don't nuke it longer than that, or else the raspberry part turns into molten steel). The only reason I don't eat an entire danish twist in one sitting is because people would stare. One day I'm gonna lock myself in a room with six of them and act out every repulsive breakfast fantasy I've ever had. If they put this in ice cream, I'd never buy anything else.

Only Blue Bunny has introduced a coffee cake ice cream, and that was in a limited edition. Why limited? Was it because it sucked? Or was it so delicious that it threatened to destroy the fabric of American society? I MUST KNOW.

2. Glazed Walnuts
You know those bags of glazed walnut pieces you can buy to put on salad? I'm pretty sure that a salad is the least effective method of deployment for these things. Much better to rip open the bag and pour it into your mouth, using your throat as a kind of industrial grain funnel. One Amazon customer actually reviewed these nuts and gave them one star (!!!!):

you will not taste the nut at all - it's all sugar coated and soggy and bad

This person is the Armond White of nut reviewers. She's WRONG. That shit is delicious and needs to be mixed in with a vat of dulce de leche ice cream immediately.

3. Ice Cream Sandwiches
Ice cream sandwiches are awesome, except for Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches which taste like plywood. In recent years, ice cream makers have gotten all meta and thrown cone pieces into their ice creams, and the results have been well-received by the American public. Haagen Daaz's caramel cone flavor is delicious and is a mere 320 calories per half cup. You can't get any healthier than that.

So if cone pieces work spectacularly, I don't see why ice cream sandwich ice cream couldn't also cause a quivering mouthgasm. And we don't have to stop there. What about Choco Taco ice cream? Or Strawberry Shortcake ice cream? Or Fudgie the Whale ice cream? Why do I have to buy a whole ice cream cake to experience those little chocolate crunchy bits that Carvel uses? Who made them the fucking crunchy bit oligarchy? That's crap.

4. Hostess Ho Hos
I don't know why birthday cake ended up monopolizing all cake-related ice cream flavors. There are other cakes out there to mix into your ice cream, you know. I went to Yogurt Stop in LA once (come for the yogurt, stay for the sexism!), and they had pieces of red velvet cake you could mix into your yogurt. And even though red velvet cake is just red cake, I still loaded up. The red lets you know it's working.

We need more cakes in ice cream. Coffee cake ice cream. Cupcake ice cream. Winky Dinky ho-cake ice cream. Cake pop ice cream. And Hostess Ho Ho ice cream. Even though the chocolate used to enrobe a Ho Ho is probably 90% candle wax, it's still worth attempting. In fact, every Hostess product should be incorporated into ice cream. The people at Foodbeast made Twinkie ice cream and then put it on top of a Twinkie, which I assume is the reason we ended up killing bin Laden.

5. Miniature Eclairs
There's the Good Humor Chocolate Eclair bar, but that has NOTHING to do with actual eclairs. If you put ACTUAL eclairs in ice cream, complete with pastry, cream, and chocolate coating, you'd have an entirely new flavor profile.

Preferably, I'd like the five ingredients listed above to be put into ONE ice cream, which is then covered with bacon and rolled up in a fresh pancake. If we're gonna be the fattest country on Earth, we gotta do it right.

[Shutterstock, Jim Cooke]