Don't Tell Me About Your DietS

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: eat to win, but keep it to yourself. Dig it.

I want to start this column about diets by telling you flat out that I simply do not want to hear about diets. I don't want to hear about Paleo diets or low-carb diets or mass gaining diets or the cyclical ketogenic diet. This is not "GOOP" and my name isn't The Guy Who Wants to Hear Gwyneth Paltrow Be Like "Kale! Keen-Wa! Burbloop!" Just give me a break with that, will you?!?

Did you see the part where I said I don't want to hear about your Paleo Diet? I am so serious.

This is a fitness column, brother. Not a Gwyneth Paltrow "GOOP" column where we all talk about what sorts of hors d'oeuvres have the savoir faire to be the raison d'etre of our vagina. Let's just sit around and talk about "green juicing" and the greens in our juice and drinking green colors of juice, why don't we? Oh no I forgot, just for a minute there, that we have a little something in this particular column, one little characteristic, that goes by the name of HARDCORENESS. It doesn't go by the name of GOOP.COM ARTICLE ABOUT KALE, BY GWYNETH PALTROW. So back up off me, with all of that stuff!

People who talk about diets and what they eat and what you should eat are one of the most boring types of people you'll find in the important "People talking about fitness" world, droning on and on about "antioxidants" and "don't eat pizza" instead of droning on about inherently interesting things like set and rep schemes for Zercher squat variations. Why don't these "types" do something useful like invent a food called "falafel pizza," which is served to you at poolside by a trained dog named Duane—while you exercise? (Half of any money generated by that idea goes straight to yours truly. Don't even try it smart guy.)

Still, even we at I of the Tiger are willing to grudgingly admit that diet is pretty much, like, in the "fact-based" version of reality, one of the most important "fitness" things you can do, after Zercher squats. So in the interest of providing information to our loyal readers so that you are not forced to visit GOOP.com and wade through articles about I don't even know what, please take a moment to digest (high five) this very simple guide to eating and fitness.

There are only four ways you can go on this topic, okay?

1. Eat Whatever You Want and Don't Work Out
Advantages: Just doing whatever the hell you want all the time, who even cares?
Disadvantages: You are a fat/ weak/ fatweak slob.

2. Eat Whatever You Want and Work Out
Advantages: You get strong, PLUS you get to eat whatever you want.
Disadvantages: No one will be able to tell that you work out by looking at you.

3. Eat a Great Diet and Don't Work Out
Advantages: Be lazy, while still looking slim.
Disadvantages: You are weak. Not just in your posterior chain, but in your soul.

4. Eat a Great Diet and Work Out
Advantages: Finally, the body of a God.
Disadvantages: Hope you didn't have any other hobbies or aspirations or an affinity for "fun."

Simple, right? I recommend Option Number Two, because as long as you're doing your Zercher squats, why would you want to deny yourself the chance to eat "falafel pizza," should an intrepid entrepreneur deliver some on dogback to your poolside gym lounge? But of course this personal choice is just as important as what color baby you want to adopt, if you take Gwyneth Paltrow's word for it. And that, friends, is why Gawker.com's I of the Tiger fitness column is more popular than Gwyneth Paltrow: nobody likes a kale-colored baby. But everybody likes breasts which have been sculpted into perfect form, by weighted dips—an exercise which Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't even do. And everybody likes falafel—and pizza. (An idea whose time has come.)

If you want to actually know what specific stuff to eat, Google it. Jesus.