I've dicked around on Twitter long enough to be able to have a composite persona of it in my head. If Twitter were a person, it would look like a hipster and it would like hipster music, but it would fucking HATE hipsters. It would be socially liberal, but it would totally respect Ron Paul for being genuine about his nutjob views. It would constantly be arguing with itself as to whether or not it liked watching "Girls." And it would come after you with a claw hammer to the face if you dared to rail against the following subjects.
1. Gay Marriage
North Carolina banned gay marriage this week, and now Twitter HATES North Carolina. Just check out the search results on Twitter for "North Carolina eat a dick." Woe to the Twitter newbie who would dare cross Twitter on this issue. I'm not saying it's right to be against gay marriage. I fully support Nick Denton's right to marry his own giant head. But if you're Bristol Palin or some other dumbfuck country bumpkin who don't want them gays exchanging penis rings in front you, I'd refrain from voicing that opinion on Twitter.
2. Kate Upton
OMG LOOK AT HER TITS! They're so perfect that you have to look at this link to them right now and stare at them for six hours because they're no ordinary tits they're Kate Upton's big luscious tits! Here are her tits in a sailor outfit! Here are her tits in a Carl's Jr. ad! Here are her tits signing an armistice with the Liberians! TITS TITS TITS. Dare you go against those tits? Well then maybe you're queer, in which case Twitter supports your effort to gain your civil liberties.
3. Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert
I haven't watched "The Daily Show" in a long time because all Jon Stewart does now is play a clip from FOX News and make his wamp-wamp face while everyone claps. But he's still pretty much untouchable on the Internet, where everyone still dutifully posts the ten minutes of mugging and shitty impressions that he did the night before. Colbert is equally untouchable, though his awesomeness almost always justifies that status.
4. Louis CK
Forget Twitter. I'll kill you myself if you speak ill of Louis CK. The worst Louis CK critics are the ones who are just like, "He swears!" That's their gripe. Fucking hate those people.
Here's a twitpic of bacon donuts! And another twitpic of bacon cereal! And another twitpic of a bacon keyboard! Bacon is the Kate Upton's tits of foodstuffs.
6. David Foster Wallace
FACT: 95% of people who claim to have read "Infinite Jest" are lying. I have a long-standing grudge against people who believe that they are more enlightened than other people just because they read a DFW piece on lobsters or tennis, and I stand by that grudge. DFW fanboys are fucking annoying, especially when they try and use footnotes like he did. Grantland should be DDOSed off the Internet for that crime alone. Anyway, announcing you hate DFW on Twitter will get you a stern lecture from fans of a man who was terminally incapable of saying ANYTHING in 140 characters or less.
7. MCA's Death
I hated the Beastie Boys but even I knew better than to express that sentiment on the occasion of Adam Yauch's death. Our own Mobute, however, was more than happy to shit all over MCA. Such a naughty little troll. Anyway, don't trash MCA's music over Twitter, even if the distance between Beastie Boys fans and Nickelback fans is shorter than most people acknowledge.
8. "Community" & "Parks & Recreation"
Oh, you should have seen how pissed Twitter was yesterday when it found out that Dan Harmon's show was on the verge of cancellation (it was rescued at the last minute with a 13-episode order that will likely only prolong its death). People who love that show but don't actually watch it on ad-supported platform were crazy pissed. I'm glad "Parks & Rec" got more the 13 episodes that "Community" got. It's a better show, and it doesn't spend six episodes elaborately building up to a subtle Blade Runner reference lurking in the background for six frames.
Fucking hick. I bet you watch CBS sitcoms. You're one of those people that didn't support "Community" enough, dammit!
10. Pappy Van Winkle
Someone who works either here or at Slate will one day take to Twitter to tell people that Pappy is overrated, and that will cause Twitter to kill that person and then tastefully eulogize that person before finally succumbing to tasteless jokes about the cadaver.