On May 23, one week from Wednesday, something historic is happening. An event so important, future generations will refer to it as "an historic event" rather than "a historic event."
The 7-Eleven international convenience store chain is introducing a new line of 20-calorie diet Slurpees, called Slurpee Lites.
And they're giving them away.
The dispensing of free iced treats brings out humanity at its best (generous, giddy, sated) and at its worst (waiting in line, so tired of waiting in line, how long is the line I have been waiting here a long time).
Union General William Tecumseh Sherman famously said "War is Hell." In this sentence, "War" is a symbol for "Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day."
If you have lived through the trauma of Rita's First Day of Spring Italian Ice Giveaway, you likely find yourself both elated and terrified at the prospect of partaking of these gratis frozen delights.
Bearing all that in mind, here's what you need to know: The Slurpee Lites will be given away in 7.11oz containers (so cute) from 11a.m. to 7p.m (reverse so cute). This means, you need to arrive no later than 9a.m. in order to guarantee yourself a Slurpee.
Also, while there will be a new Slurpee Lite flavor introduced every month, they are beautiful ephemeral dreams of things and each will only be available for a single moon.
That means, on May 23, you will take the Fanta Sugar-Free Mango Slurpee Lite you are offered and like it, dog.
The Slurpee Lite flavors will not overlap.
Forbes reports that the Slurpee Lites are already receiving backlash from bloggers who hate magic which, according to the 7-Eleven website, is what the Slurpees are made of. Other ingredients include ice and the artificial sweetener Splenda, which some people claim junks up the taste and which scientists claim gives male rats diarrhea.
Luckily these drinks are being marketed to ladies and, presumably, girl rats.
The weird part of this promotion is that a regular 8oz Slurpee only has 60 calories (this is completely amazing; I want one hundred of them right now), so 7-Eleven's really not doing all that much by switching to the sweetener everyone hates.
Nevertheless, calories saved are calories saved, and Slurpee Lites leave more caloric room for rum, which you should definitely plan on bringing with you (concealed, of course) to the giveaway.
Who's that woman/female rat relaxing with a cool drink in the shade of a romantic island cabana?
It's you. Sipping your rum and Slurpee Lite mixed drink in a 7-Eleven parking lot at 11a.m.