America's Diet Mainly Consists of Soda

Soda: the fizzy plague. The nectar of diabeetus. The bubbles of death. The artificial flavors and colors of tongue fun. Americans are drinking less soda these days, what with the undeniable public realization that that shit is poison, and the associated social shaming that goes with being a poison drinker. And thank god for that. But to be clear: you, Americans, you fools, still drink way too much poison swill of doom (soda).

This comes from a NYT story about how soda sales are dropping , but who even cares because just listen to THIS: "Last year, the average American drank slightly under two sodas a day." This is considered low enough to constitute a crisis for the soda industry. That is still a lot of soda America, let's be very honest with ourselves, shall we? Soak in this factoid, "The More You Know" style:

Health advocates are cautiously optimistic about the decline. "It is really important because sugary soft drinks are the No. 1 source of calories in our diets," said Margo Wootan, director of nutrition policy at the Center for Science in the Public Interest. "We get more calories from sodas and sugary drinks than any other individual food - cake, cookies, pizza, anything."

Okay I am no "health nut" but if most of our calories are coming from high fructose corn syrup mixed with brown chemical coloring and carbonated water, that just seems like a problem in terms of "antioxidants" and "roughage" and other things that your body needs, to poop effectively.

Soda is poison* and America is all fucked up and probably full of cola-induced thyroid cancer.

*Except Diet Mtn Dew which is awesome.

[NYT. Photo: Mike Tungate/ Flickr]