All your friends laughed at you when you bought magic sneakers you thought would transform you into Kate Upton while you sat around and watched TV, but who's laughing now that Skechers has agreed to pay out $40 million in refunds to those poor saps like yourself who bought the shoes and their claims, hook, line, and sinker?
Still your friends. Your friends are still laughing. But, now that you're about to become flush with cash, you can afford to buy new friends—maybe even zombie friends whose mouths have been sewn shut by witches, like Billy Butcherson in Hocus Pocus. $40 dollars can go a long way these days.
$40 is what you could get, if you bought a pair of regular Shape-ups. In theory, you could get as much as $80, but you will not because a ton of people are going to jump onto this class-action suit, which is bullshit because it's your thing. If too many people jump on, you will get less than $40.
Why are people throwing $40 or less than $40 your way all of a sudden?
Because a 2010 study funded by the American Council on Exercise (no doubt one of America's least-worked councils) found that, while they did make you look dumb and lazy, toning shoes' "rocker-shaped" soles failed to increase muscle activation or calorie burning any more than regular athletic sneakers.
And the government is looking out for you, baby.
In fact, the Federal Trade Commission was unbelievably sassy in the announcement it released today calling Skechers out for peddling snake oil:
"The F.T.C.'s message, for Skechers and other national advertisers, is to shape up your substantiation or tone down your claims."
Put them on blast.
According to the New York Times, a spokeswoman for the FTC declined to confirm whether the commission was pursuing legal action against other manufacturers of toning shoes, like Fila and New Balance. Since they went after Reebok for making similar claims in September, though, the odds are good.
Certainly better than the odds of you losing weight by wearing magic shoes.
Despite having no evidence to prove their false claims, Skechers denies making false claims, insisting in a statement that they agreed to pay $40 million just because they were so over these costly court battles, ohmygod, so over them.
UPDATE: Adrian Chen and the Federal Trade Commission will have you know that the "evidence" Skechers did offer came courtesy of a study performed by a chiropractor who is married to a Skechers marketing executive. He was paid to conduct the study. And it didn't even produce the findings extolled in the ads.
BUT HOW DO I GET MY MONEY?
Those wishing to apply for a partial refund for any Skechers toning shoes purchased since 2008 (in case you've forgotten since you bought them, the shoes run $60 to $100 a pair) will be able to do so at the Skechers Settlement website soon.
In the meantime, you'll have to settle for kicking around the hilarious FAQ section which addresses such topics as:
"Am I being sued?"
No, you are not.
"Should I get my own lawyer?"
You can, but why would you?
"Do I have a lawyer in this case?"
You do. And his last name is Blood, which is way more bad-ass than any lawyer you would have come up with.
Congrats on your legal coup.