Okay, so it's graduation time and we Gawker folk have already exhausted ourselves giving you outgoing seniors all our super sweet advice. I'm sure you won't listen to ANY of it, because you're all so damn hungover. So let's spend today craning our necks and checking out all the other grads sitting around you. Graduates fall into very distinct types, and here are a few of them.
The Guy Who Gets The Most Hoots From His Friends. Like the Oscar death montage, every graduation has a winner in terms of audience reception. And goddammit if you are NEVER that person. No, no. It's always Steve Busburger, captain of the water polo team, president of the glee club, and the best campus guide the admissions office has to offer. Steve walks up to the podium and immediately the crowd goes batshit. STEVE! STEEEEEEVE! STEVE-A-RINO. God damn him and his easygoing, amiable nature. When you walk up there, you'll hear nothing except your goddamn mother clapping. Shut up, Mom! You're embarrassing yourself!
The Fuckface Valedictorian Sitting On The Edge Of Her Seat. Watch as she strains to listen to every single word the commencement speaker is saying, desperately soaking up all that advice into her cortex so that she can go out there and start 30 companies simultaneously, while attending law school at night. You can always tell the overachievers in the crowd because, underneath their gowns, they are dressed as if they are going to a job interview the moment they walk off the dais: Stockings, dress pumps, a sharp blazer. This girl is batshit crazy about starting the future IMMEDIATELY. Right now! No time for brunch with granny at the Princeton Inn omelet bar! (NOTE: No idea if Princeton has an Inn or an omelet bar.)
The Nerd Wearing A Goofy Accessory With His Gown. Oh look! He wore a rainbow wig under his mortarboard. EDGY. And the light blue All Stars he's rocking are sure to get a laugh from the crowd. Congrats, Poindexter. You get an A in Whimsy. Asshole. Wear normal clothes. This guy is also the spiritual brother of the...
Guy Who Gets Too Cute Shaking The Dean's Hand. In many ways, a graduation ceremony is exactly like the NFL Draft. Your name is read, you walk up on stage, you get handed something, and you shake the dean/commissioner's hand before leaving. But while it's always a joy to watch future NFL players try to bear hug Roger Goodell until he suffocates to death (squeeze harder!), I would advise you not be the guy who tries to do a fist bump with your dean. You'll look like a dipshit. Just take your degree and leave. It's fucking hot outside, and we all want to go to the omelet bar.
The Hungover Frat Guy Wearing Ironic Sunglasses. Bonus points to him if he's also barefoot or wearing flip flops. HE TOTALLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT, BRAH. He spent last night CRUSHING beers and CRUSHING pussy, and now he's eager to show off that hangover to you, to let you know that this graduation thing is LAME. No pussy to CRUSH here!
The One Kid Who Has No Family Members In The Audience. Is his family dead? Is he an orphan? Will he be okay? Maybe he's foreign. Maybe graduation isn't such a big deal to the Finns. Maybe his mom has to work, in which case her boss is a real prick. Shouldn't the school provide a surrogate parent for him, just so he can hear someone clap? I feel awful for this kid. Maybe he can tag along with us to the after party... JUST KIDDING. I'm not having my after party ruined by some loser.
The Kid Who You Never Knew Existed Until JUST NOW. Wait, who's that? That kid went to school here? Really? Are we sure he isn't at the wrong graduation? I remember being at my own graduation and seeing random people get degrees and thinking to myself, "Hey, I should have gotten drunk with him, he seems cool," or "Hey, I should have hit on that girl. She dresses up nice."
The Kid Whose Last Name Starts With Two A's. Oh, you SUCK, David Aaron. The rest of us have to wait HOURS to get up on that stage, but you've managed to skate through your entire academic career getting called first in homeroom, being listed first on all school hearing test result sheets, and zooming right up to the stage when degrees are handed out. That's bullshit. Degrees should be handed out in random order, just to keep everyone in suspense and to punish the kids who don't listen for their names. Oh, did you not hear your name this time around, David? TOUGH SHIT. No degree for you. You'll have to start all over. Maybe you'll learn something this time around.