Coffee Full of Period Blood vs. Cupcake Full of Semen: A Sadist's Dessert Menu

Earlier today, we brought you the tale of the domestic worker who added a flavor shot of menstrual blood to a cup of coffee she brewed for her employer.

Now here's a story about a student who allegedly added a flavor shot of semen to a cup of cake (a cupcake) he baked for a fellow student.

The Twin Cities Pioneer Press reports that a St. Paul teenager was suspended from his high school after the principal received reports he had mixed semen into the batter (or frosting) of a cupcake he gave to another student.

"That student was at school May 10 when people started asking him about a cupcake he ate the previous day, [St. Paul police spokesman Sgt. Paul Paulos] said. They asked, "How he could do that, if it tasted funny, things like that, and he heard someone mention that semen was used in the cupcakes," Paulos said.

If you'll permit a small digression: "Sgt. Paul Paulos, St. Paul Police." That's classic, right?

The amateur baker reportedly gave cupcakes to a number of students (generous), though only one of them was alleged to contain semen (generous?). Because the cupcake recipient had already polished off the [mis]treat in question, there was no way to verify or disprove the rumors. The suspended student denied any wrongdoing to school officials and police.

He also tweeted a threat to burn the principal's house down the next day, which is how this story made the papers in the first place. (If he meant it, the move would be stark departure from his typical M.O. which, as we have established, is to mix semen into cupcakes.) The incident is still under investigation.

Obviously, the big question hanging over all this is:
What bodily fluid would you most (or least) like to consume in a baked good of your choice? (We'll eliminate the coffee element to help level the playing field.)

Menstrual Blood
Pro:

  • contains iron
  • cool vampire associations
  • vibrant red color might otherwise have to be achieved via the use of food dyes made from crushed beetles (haha gross)
  • Con:

  • may contain traces of uterine lining, which would provide an unpleasant texture
  • pervasive "metallic" taste could overpower subtle cupcake flavors
  • Semen
    Pro:

  • You have probably willingly ingested (or prompted another to willingly ingest) some already
  • Would likely mix very well into white frosting, so that its presence was visually undetectable
  • Con:

  • At best, takes like nothing. At worst, tastes quite bad.
  • Each teaspoon of ejaculate contains 5-7 calories. You're already eating a cupcake. How many empty calories do you need?
  • I guess I would have to go with the menstrual blood cupcake, only because I have now become fixated on those empty semen calories. Also, True Blood is premiering soon and I love to host theme parties.

    You are encouraged to contribute other pros/cons or nominate additional bodily fluids in the comments.

    [Pioneer Press via City Pages // Image via Shutterstock ]