Kids These Days Are Greedy Little Materialists

What the hell do the shiftless/ worthless kids these days want, when they're not beating up babies and playing on train tracks? The vapid young sellouts are, quite predictably, all about makin' that MOOLAH$$$$CA$$$HMONEY$$$$. Are "The Millennials" way more materialistic than your generation? U bet!

Just look at this outrageous survey—or should I say Self-Survingvey??—of vacant-eyed college kids today, who are animated only by a desire to obtain ever-greater quantities of money with which to line their condominium-like dorm room walls with more and more Apple™ computer products and illegal "designer" drugs.

While young people, and particularly today's generation of young people, are generally thought to be more interested in pursuing their ideals and passions than money, 91 percent of college students and 95 percent of millennials (here referring to college graduates between ages of 21 and 32) said that being financially secure was either essential or very important to them.

Kids these days are "generally thought to be more interested in pursuing their ideals and passions than money?" What sort of millennial-coddling millenialist wrote this propagandistic bit of millennial propaganda? I'll tell you what kids these days are "generally thought" to be: groping whores, groping for sexual organs, and, even worse, money. The worst part is that while 95% of millennials say they want to be "financially secure," only 43% say it's important to be "wealthy," proving that kids these days can't even do the type of basic math that comes in the "workbook" supplements to fourth-grade textbooks.

In my day we had Apple™ products—from a tree. In a lunch bag. In my mouth. Ask me about it.

[Economix. Photo: Ryan Oelke/ Flickr]