Justin Bieber Beat the Shit Out of a Paparazzo, According to the Paparazzo

Justin Bieber becomes a criminal battery suspect. Cynthia Nixon marries her girlfriend. Lindsay Lohan flees a $40,000 tanning salon bill. David Beckham likes to eat babies. Tuesday gossip is for old times' sake.

  • Well-trained song-and-dance boy Justin Bieber is a suspect in a criminal battery case involving a paparazzo. "Several witnesses at the scene" (read: other paparazzi) say the photographer was blocking Bieber's car, and that "after the altercation, a lawyer walked up to the photo and said he could get a lot of money […] and advised the dude to call for an ambulance and file a police report." How big would the payday have to be, to make going down in history as "the guy Justin Bieber beat up" worth it? At least five figures, I'm thinking. [TMZ, image via Pacific Coast News]
  • Lindsay Lohan is about to get her kneecaps broken over a $40,000 tanning salon bill. [TMZ]
  • Jude Law went to watch a Broadway play, and some lady saw him and literally fainted on the spot. And, though the laws of thermo-romantic dynamics state that if a woman faints at the sight of a man, he must catch her mid-swoon and kiss her back to consciousness, "Law apparently wasn't aware of what happened." Bummer. [P6]
  • Kim Kardashian says a British Airways employee opened her suitcase and took "some special items of mine," things that are "sentimental & not replaceable." An old tooth, perhaps. Or a sex tape. [Daily Mail]
  • In other news, "Kim Kardashian goes braless at Atlantic City party." You guys are going to click this link so many more times than the other one, I bet. [HollywoodLife]
  • Wouldn't it be funny if this headline were literal? [P6]
  • Justin Bieber Beat the Shit Out of a Paparazzo, According to the PaparazzoDavid Beckham is one of those people who expresses his appreciation for babies by pretending to eat them. [Celebitchy, Elle]
  • As was inevitable for a same-sex couple that met at a gay marriage rally, Cynthia Nixon has married Christine Marinoni. Mazel tov! [NYDN]
  • Just want to point out that Hello! magazine has a live countdown to Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee on the front page of their website. They are aware they aren't invited, right? [Hello!]
  • Will Smith on what he loves about wife Jada Pinkett-Smith: "She is just absolutely hardcore." Seriously, have you seen her abs? Rock hard core, probably been doing pilates. [People]
  • Michelle, Sasha, and Malia Obama went to Beyonce's first post-baby concert and danced to "Single Ladies" in a private balcony they shared with Gayle King. Meanwhile, Beyonce has lost 60 lbs. since the birth of baby Blue Ivy and plans to "get chocolate wasted" to celebrate. Meanwhile-meanwhile, Gawker has lost several hundred pounds of Maureen O'Connor and plans to "hire a new one, maybe another girl? Fuck, who's going to write about moms putting their boobs in the mouths of four-year-olds, now?" in her stead.

    My last day is Friday. Stay tuned for a massive dump of every unconfirmed rumor in the "to do" folder of my work email account, probably tomorrow or the next day, depending on how lazy I feel. What's Gawker going to do, fire me? [Gatecrasher, Us]